My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"
"No it doesn't", I said.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"
"No it doesn't", I said.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife.
Thank you, Mom!
When I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas she told me, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace."
So I bought her nothing.
I wrote a book on penguins...
In hindsight, paper would have been much easier.
One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world...
...then you'll all be sorry!
Batman told me he was skipping church this week.
Classic Christian Bale.
A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day.
He discovered he was a tad Polish.
I went to Chinatown today, but there were too many bright lights.
So I asked them to dim sum.
My wife said she's had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up.
So I just packed my bags and right.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal.
One turns to the other and says, "Um, I think we got this joke wrong."
Friends are like snow.
When you pee on them, they disappear.
After a long and distinguished career, my French teacher finally retired.
Adios, amigo.
My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight.
She needs to lighten up.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game...
...because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks...
Bad Minton.
With the rise of self driving vehicles...
we shall soon hear a country song about a guy's truck leaving him too.
God damned millennials!
Walking around like they rent the place.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
Being ugly every day sucks.
A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar.
He sits down and drinks coffee.
If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, just remember...
There is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.
I have two boys, 5 and 6.
We're no good at naming things in our house.
Communists and Trump supporters really aren't all that different...
They both want a world with no class.
Donald Trump walks into a bar.
And promptly lowers it.
I was at the local pool yesterday and decided to pee in the deep end.
The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.
Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
Yes sir, it's fresh ground!
I've just been fired from the clock making factory...
after all those extra hours I put in.
"One man's trash is another man's treasure"...
...is one way to tell your kid that they're adopted.
I am afraid to make a political joke now.
It might get elected president.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.
I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
It must be tough having the world's best clown as your dad.
You would have such big shoes to fill.
I finally figured out Donald Trump
You have to ruin America first if you want to make it great AGAIN.
If I had a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on...
I'd be like, "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
Never make fun of fat girls with lisps.
They're thick and tired of it.
If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it...
It's still fowl language.
I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.
He just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.
People say filling animals with helium is wrong.
But I say, whatever floats your goat.
A solar panel is talking to a wind turbine and asks, "So what do you think about this whole renewable energy thing?"
The turbine replies, "I'm a big fan."
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
If life gives you melons...
You probably have dyslexia.
Today is International Women's Day.
It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.
I was in a taxi today and the driver said "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."
Then I said, "Turn left."
I want to say comforters are superior to quilts.
But I don't like to make blanket statements.
I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working.
I just have to die on Thursday.
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dav.
I was asked to write a 1,000 word essay for class.
But I just turned in a picture instead.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
Baby, I hope you are an ISO file.
Cuz I wanna mount you.
When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump, some questioned whether he could actually speak English.
It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.
I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny.
It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.
I met an Asian girl today with the last name of "China."
It was her made-in name.
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm today
The loud beeping was giving me a headache.
I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
I recently started the new Brexit diet.
So far I've lost hundreds of millions of pounds.
I read an article that said it's good for your eyesight to look at something distant occasionally during computer use.
So I put a picture of my dad next to the monitor.
McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.
Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.
I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet."
It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!
Why wasn't Jesus born in America?
God couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Girls are like domain names.
The ones I like are already taken.
I started carrying a gun after being involved in an attempted robbery a few months ago.
Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.
I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl.
they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are, too.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.
I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets!
He was arrested for attempted murder.
I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
My dads answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn't a big drinker, he was just shit at crosswords.
I'm halfway towards my goal of becoming filthy rich.
Now I just have to have to figure out the rich part.
Two foot fetishists are sitting in the back of a police van.
One turns to the other says: "I think we got off on the wrong foot."
My girlfriend asked me why I was sitting with the eggs...
I couldn't find my whisk, and if you can't beat them, you might as well join them...
The inventor of autocorrect died today.
His funfair will be hello on sundial.
We should've known communism would fail.
There were a lot of red flags.
You can't run through a camp site.
You can only ran, because its past tents.
A bad workman blames his fools.
*edit: tools. Stupid keyboard.
I drove my daughter's hamster to the vet this morning.
I'm getting rather good at golf.
If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes, she will.
No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it!
Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition...
... and discovered that he had seriously misunderstood the objective
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.
It means a lot.
Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person.
Today I lost my job as a bus driver.
Help! I'm stuck on Rick Astley's roof!
He took away the ladder and said he is never gonna let me down.
Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying.
I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."
Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.
If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
Alligators can live up to 100 years...
Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes...
I still do, but I used to, too.
Why is the letter "C" afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
Telling someone that you work in IT support can be such a turn off...
And then a turn on again.
IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad dies at 91.
His funeral has been postponed until his family get the screw that wasn't included with his KoFFIN product
My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan.
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman.
But she kept screaming, "Get the fuck out of here I'm peeing!"
Donald Trump is introducing a 30% tax on shredded cheese.
It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.
‪If I were to be stranded on an island with anyone I would prefer to be stranded with a vegan...
Mostly because it's healthier to eat grass-fed meat. ‬
I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.
It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.
I met a North African girl the other night, and we spoke for hours.
We just clicked.
I finally stopped drinking for good.
Now I drink for evil.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer.
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."
There are three rings in a relationship.
The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring.
I told the ambulance guys the wrong blood type for my ex.
Now she'll understand what rejection feels like.
When I see lover's names carved in a tree I don't think it's sweet.
I'm just surprised of how many people bring knives on a date.
My wife accused me of being immature...
So I told her to get out of my fort.
And the award for the best neckwear goes to...
Well, would you look at that, it's a tie!
I don't always tell dad jokes...
But when I do, he laughs.
Words can't describe how beautiful you are...
But numbers can: 2/10
I bought a dog from a blacksmith.
As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
They say never go food shopping when you're hungry..
but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.
Dramatic pauses can really change the meaning of a sentence.
Notice the difference between "I like to eat apples" and "I like to eat dramatic pauses."
My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
A dyslexic walks into a bank and yells, "Hands in the air motherfuckers! This is a stick up!"
He's just dyslexic and can still speak fine.
Shot my first turkey today.
Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen foods section.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make...
Then they don't call me at all.
I accidentally gave my wife superglue instead of Chapstick
She's still not talking to me.
My wife is talking about wanting to have children.
I don't think I am ready for her to be a single mom.
I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground. Being the only adult around, I had to step in.
They didn't stand a chance.
Confucius say man who drops watch in toilet...
...has shitty time
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one...
...he's never gonna give you Up.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
He said he couldn't complain.
My son is sort of like Rapunzel...
But instead of letting his hair down he lets everybody down.
Thank you student loans for helping me get through college...
I don't think I can ever repay you.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar. Thanks, mom...
People always tell me I'm funny.
And I always have to remind them I'm Dad.
My wife and I decided to not have children.
The kids are pretty upset.
There are two types of people on the planet...
Those who can extrapolate information based upon the given context...
I don't mean to make sweeping generalizations...
...but all brooms are pretty much the same.
I am so good at sleeping...
...I can do it with my eyes closed.
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.
They both had a great time.
Somebody stole my mood ring.
I don't know how I feel about that.
That's a nice ham you've got there...
it'd be a shame if somebody put an 's' at the front and an 'e' at the end.
You should never iron a four leaf clover.
You don't want to press your luck.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing.
The car is new or the wife is.
As a college student, I hate it when homeless shake their cups with change in them.
I know you have more money than me, stop showing off.
Statistics say that 1/3 of people cheat in their relationships.
So, who's the cheater? My wife or my girlfriend?
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was seated next to a crying baby.
Apparently that's not allowed if it's yours.
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use twice a year
My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex.
So I dumped her.
Some say Steve Jobs died too young.
Others say it was simply an homage to Apple's attitude towards battery life.
My wife yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"
I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation!"
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you...
...I'd start thinking about you.
My wife said that our son feels neglected.
"Who?" I asked.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet...
I don't know why.
People say I'm not good with Greek Mythology...
I guess that it's my Achilles wrist.
I accidentally sent everyone in my address book a naked picture of myself
It cost a fortune in stamps
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but I had to break up with her.
She was seeing somebody on the side.
Who is this Rorschach guy?
And why did he draw so many pictures of my parents fighting?
There are many advantages of visiting Switzerland
I mean, the flag itself is a big plus.
I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend but she keeps calling me.
Looks like I'll have to drop the bomb twice.
I saw a chameleon today...
Needless to say, it was a shitty chameleon.
I ate a contradiction the other day...
...it constipated the shit out of me.
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
I haven't worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of my bed and did a sit-up by mistake.
That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.
I just ran over my dog.
Just kidding! I don't know whose dog it was.
I like my women like I like my coffee.
I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.
I saw a sign the other day the made me pee my pants...
...it said "Bathroom Closed."
I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle...
...he said it was the most violent thing he ever read.
A tip to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right and then to the left.
Repeat this exercise whenever you're offered something to eat!
I gave away all my dead batteries recently...
...free of charge, of course.
My friend owned a racing snail. It never won any races so he removed the shell to make it go faster.
Sadly it didn't work, if anything it made it more sluggish.
This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from Vegetarian Club.
I was a bit confused, seeing how I'd never met herbivore.
Ebay is too hard to use...
...I searched for lighters, and all I got was 71,274 matches.
Some people say I'm condescending.
That means I talk down to people.
If your mother in Law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...
...would you go to lunch or a movie?
I'd say 6:30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
I used to have a job crushing cans.
It was soda pressing.
Is it just me...
...or are there other personal pronouns?
I recently tried to change my email password to "Twilight"...
...but got an error message that read, "Password Invalid. Too many useless characters."
There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk.
Up.
I've been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.
He still won't tell me who's a good boy.
To whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word.
I took my wife's family out for biscuits and tea.
They weren't very happy about having to donate blood though.
I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.
I'm taking steps to avoid them.
I was involved in a violent mugging this morning, and I'm still a bit shaken up.
On the plus side I did make $43, and I think the watch looks really good on me.
I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it.
The plot thickens.
For my birthday, I got gifted a sticky deck of cards.
I'm having a hard time dealing with it.
I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym.
I guess we just weren't working out.
My mother used to always say, "Give your food a rinse before you eat it."
Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.
North Korea is participating in the Olympics this year, but they won't win.
All of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in South Korea
Shout-out to my grandma!
Because that's the only way she can hear me.
I walked down a street, and the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
It was a trip down memory lane.
What do Donald Trump and his father have in common?
They both have shitty judgment when it comes to pulling out.
You think you are introverted?
Wait until you never meet me.
Today I was asked to go out by 10 girls.
Pretty easy in the women's bathroom.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!
Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.
A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, "Do you have any felony convictions?"
The Briton replies, "Sorry. I didn't realize that was still a requirement."
I'm going to open up a store that only sells two bed covers and two snorkels.
Just four sheets and goggles.
I'm seriously contemplating remarrying my Ex-wife.
But I'm pretty sure that she'll figure out I'm just after my money.
So if Mary had Jesus, and Jesus was the Lamb of God...
Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
I just found out I'm colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
Somebody said today that I'm lazy.
I nearly answered him.
I already got a date this Valentine's day. Her name is Emma,
Emma Gination.
What is it with people who text and drive?
I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.
Everyone pees in the pool.
But you do it once from the high dive and you're some sort of monster.
I got fired form the zoo.
Apparently the sign "Don't feed the animals" was only meant for the visitors.
Me: Mom, am I adopted?
Mom: Why would we choose you?
I once came home to find 4 masked men beating up my younger brother. Obviously I rushed over to help out.
The little shit didn't stand a chance against all 5 of us.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.
I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My mother in law has a massive case of diarrhea.
But she won't find out until she gets home and unpacks her luggage.
I invented a new word today.
Plagiarism.
The urge to sing the song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is only ever a whim away...
A WHIM AWAY, A WHIM AWAY, A WHIM AWAY...
My parents treat me like a god.
They don't believe in me.
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
As a woman it's annoying when men think they are better drivers
When I'm trying to park I don't need you to offer help every 20 minutes
I hate it when people mix up Your and You're.
Their so stupid.
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many'...
and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
Climate change is such a joke.
Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.
To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present
They're due back at the library today.
I just found my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It's his altar ego.
My doctor recommended to eating Burger King more often.
Well he said I should not have McDonald's anymore, but I know what he meant.
A man entered his home and was absolutely delighted.
Someone had stolen every lamp in his home.
My boss said my math skills are average.
That's just mean.
A man walks into a bar...
And is immediately disqualified from the Limbo World Championships.
Last night I watched a documentary on how they put ships together...
It was riveting!
I like my women like I like my coffee.
From a third world country and at a reasonable price.
I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex.
He's a small arms dealer.
My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side.
So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no fucking reason.
I had a fish that could breakdance on the floor for 20 seconds.
But only one time.
I have super powers, I just melted an ice cube by staring at it.
Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
English is not the easiest of languages.
It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
Communism jokes are not funny.
Unless everyone gets them.
Sauron is a great name.
It has a nice ring to it.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Only a fraction of people understand that joke.
!false
It's funny because it's true.
Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house.
It was delicious.
My secretary reminds me of my wife.
I was unbuttoning her blouse at lunch today when she said, "Remember, you have a wife."
My wife didn't believe me when I said I'd made a car from spaghetti.
Should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
My friend is panicking because he is missing a piece for his 10,000 piece puzzle
if he thinks that bad, I'm missing 9,999 pieces
TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than Mount Everest.
Kinda obvious, considering Mount Everest can't fly.
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
Did you know that animals make a different sounds depending what part of the world you are in?
For example, in China, Dogs makes a sizzling sound!
When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.
The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."
"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."
"Oh my God! How many is a Brazilian?"
There are two types of people in the world:
Those who complete their sentences.
My psychologist told me, "Write letters to the people you hate and then burn them."
I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.
As a kid I had to walk the plank...
We couldn't afford a dog.
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
Yesterday a clown held the door open for me.
I thought it was a nice jester.
Dammmn girl, are you a smoke detector?
Cause you're annoying and won't shut the fuck up.
I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.
It's nice to have some company.
My girlfriend and I were fighting in the car
We glared at each other and I thought neither of us would back down, but in the end we struck an Accord.
Someone had the audacity to delete every version of Microsoft Office from my computer.
I have no Words.
My girlfriend broke the news that she's pregnant
I responded, "Congrats, now you have something to remember me by."
My girlfriend and I spent $40 on a pesto pasta
It was worth every penne.
I just read that 25% of women in the United States take medication for mental illness...
That's scary! Why do we let 75% of them run around untreated??
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley
Thanks to months of therapy, I'm finally battling my Damons.
two bears walk into a bar
no one survived.
I took my new dog outside to go to the bathroom but he didn't like my yard
I told him, "I know it's not the best, but you'll have to make doo."
An old lady next to me on the airplane was scared by me being a muslim
I laughed so hard my grenades almost fell out of my pocket.
People say cannibals are disgusting human beings
But this one tastes pretty good
I have a really good relationship with the elevator operator.
We speak to each other on so many different levels.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well actually he said "less McDonald's" but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant
We've had a horrible winter this year.
It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the local zoo
My ex had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil
I still don't know how much she charged him though.
Thinking about opening up a sperm bank in New Jersey.
Gonna call it: "Get a load of this guy over here!".
I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire.
it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy. it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."
Trump would be an amazing dentist
He is against anything that's not white and straight.
I always thought Americans should say "B".
Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".
my great grandmother got me a ps4 for Christmas
my so-so grandmother got me socks
This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom.
He said it was the best trade he's ever made
My girlfriend of 3 years has never told me a joke.
We are in a serious relationship.
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...
To reverse and leaving the scene.
For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.
Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted
My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"
Anybody know what "ternative" means?
What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.
Grammar is important.
Capital letters are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Teacher: "I wished you would pay a little attention!"
Pupil: "I'm paying as little as I can!"
If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive...
...they would start to find me attractive.
My dad always tells me he never makes the same mistake twice...
...I'm an only child.
The light was so bad at a Chinese restaurant I couldn't read the total on the bill.
It was a dim sum.
I once thought I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my imagine Asian.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books.
He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
I like Peter Pan jokes because they never get old.
Just like those kids in my basement.
I met a dyslexic woman at a bar last night.
I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.
England doesn't have a kidney bank...
But it does have a Liverpool.
Dads are like boomerangs...
I hope.
I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"
I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
Every program I write is completely error-free.
No exceptions!
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe.
I don't care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married.
I told him to leave me alone, and then when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
My father suffers from short term memory loss.
I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it.
I've said it before, I'll say it again.
It.
I was surprised to learn my daughter failed the road driving test.
She tweeted three times that it seemed to be going well.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
You take away the ring, and there goes your house.
My wife turned and looked at me screaming, "Did you hear what I just said?!"
Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?
Last night I found out that my wife has conditional gender dysphoria.
She said she needed to be Frank with me.
My wife said "You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot..."
It was a third degree burn.
I'm going to go on a Brexit diet
The pounds will drop fast.
It's hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
My mates reckon that I'll find any excuse to have a drink.
Speaking of beer...
I am giving up drinking for a month.
Sorry that came out wrong.
I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
I like my tumors like I like my bingo numbers.
B9!
19 and 20 got in a fight.
21.
UK: We call it "Autumn", from the French word "Automne", and later, from the Latin "autumnus".
US: WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAVES FALL DOWN
I get nostalgic when driving my car in reverse.
It always takes me back.
My paper airplane won't fly.
It's stationery.
An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen.
Police are confident they can recover both of the stolen machines.
I was just explaining Google to my Granny.
"Pick anything to search for," I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" she asked.
"Except that." I replied.
I'm 12 feet taller than my grandparents.
I'm 6 feet tall and they're 6 feet under.
I went to a really emotional wedding the other day...
Even the cake was in tiers.
If you ever feel lonely, just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies.
After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.
Smoking is a scientific wonder!
It kills people, but cures salmon.
I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.
Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.
I want to repaint my room a shade of white.
But I can't decide between "eggshell", "beige", or "The Oscars".
I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.
Just 30 pounds to go.
Today I learned the U.S is #18 in Mathematics worldwide.
At least we're in the top 10.
My grandfather destroyed 30 german planes during World War 2
He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
How long is a Chinese person.
So is his brother.
My son asked me, "Dad, what is coincidence?"
I said, "Weird. I was about to ask you the same thing."
People say I don't have friends, but they're wrong.
I have all 10 seasons on DVD.
I like my women like I like my coffee
I've never had coffee but it smells really nice..
If you're want to dress slutty for Halloween, go as a professor.
They barely cover anything important.
I have an irrational fear of large intricate corporate buildings.
You could say I have a complex complex complex.
I'm sure wherever my dad is he's looking down on us.
He's not dead, just very condescending.
I have a girlfriend...
I'm not sure if this is really a joke, but everyone laughs when I say it.
My friend was fired from his lumberjack job after failing to cut down a tree 8 times.
He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.
Only 1300's kids will get this.
The Black Plague
I invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it gets to within 4 inches.
Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.
My wife's cooking is incredible.
With a silent 'cr'.
Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters!
This month, lunch is on me.
At will call for a concert, I start a conversation with the lady in front of me.
It was the first time I had used a pick up line to talk to a woman.
I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts.
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you'd think.
I just ran into my barber on the street. He asked me how I liked the haircut he gave me last week.
I told him it's growing on me.
My girlfriend just accused me of being a cross-dresser.
I was absolutely furious, so I packed her things and left.
If only Steve Irwin wore sun screen.
He could have been protected from harmful rays.
I once dated a girl that collected magazines.
But she had too many issues.
When my girlfriend complains about how bad her day was I like to hold her hands.
Because she's deaf.
My boss told me to "dress for the job you want, not the job you have."
Now I'm in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
The English football team visited an orphanage in Brazil.
"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose age 6.
Some nights I just lie down and stare up at the stars and I wonder...
What happened to my roof?
I went for my interview to be a bus driver.
I said, "Sorry I'm late."
They said, "You're hired"
Ramadan really puts the slim in Muslim.
There are two important rules in business.
Number 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
I don't understand all the fuss about using 3D printers to make guns.
I've had a Canon printer for years!
If you heat your solid state drive into a gaseous state drive, do you get cloud storage?
To celebrate Star Wars we baked some "Wookiee Cookies".
They were a little on the Chewy side.
Someone stole all the toilets from the local police station
Detectives have nothing to go on.
I'd tell you a good time travel joke
But you didn't get it.
I used to earn a living doing backing vocals.
I can still remember the words, "This vehicle is reversing."
I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.
He cried. Then he hugged my sister and me.
I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.
Simply turn off the WiFi router and wait where it's located.
Baby monitors are magical.
When I turn it off my baby stops crying.
If trees produced WIDI we plant them everywhere.
Too bad they only produce oxygen.
There's this hot girl in my college writing class.
Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.
Some people say I am crazy.
Luckily, only I can hear them.
There are two things that always make me jump.
My legs.
A Roman walks into a bar.
He holds up two fingers and says, "five beers, please."
If I had a penny for every time someone didn't understand me
I'd make more cents.
My physics teacher told me I had potential.
Then he threw me off the roof.
My son just got a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club, and a diamond, all without my permission.
I guess I'll deal with him later.
Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson".
I bought an answering machine today but I think it's broken.
I've asked it loads of questions but nothing's happening.
I've decided to take the day off today.
Now I just call it 'To'.
Just like his father, Kim Jong-Un takes a binocular wherever he goes.
For proper gander purposes.
My neighbor came knocking on my door at 2:30 am. Unbelievable!
Luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes.
My girlfriend's cellphone service sucks!
Eight days ago when she said, "We're breaking up," the call ended, and it's gone straight to voicemail ever since.
At last, a herb related joke.
It's about thyme.
I was going to write a joke about feminism...
But my husband wouldn't let me.
"Mom, am I ugly?"
"I told you not to call me mom in front of people."
I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food.
I have any idea where sandwiches live.
A man is washing his car with his son.
After a while the boy says to his Father "Dad, why can't we just use a sponge?"
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That's the last time I leave cookies in the oven while I nap.
Don't you just hate it when med students call themselves doctors?
I mean you don't see engineering students calling themselves engineers or arts students calling themselves baristas.
My Chinese friend refuses to believe that our friend Ty is now the state boxing champion.
The Chinese don't want to recognize Ty won.
I'm reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
Vending machines kill more people every year than sharks
I mean, how's a vending machine going to kill a shark?
The origami boxing match was on the other night.
Shame, though, as it was only on paper-view.
My friend met his wife on tinder...
... six months after their wedding
An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Ebay.
It was secondhand.
If two pharaohs farted at the same time.
They would have a toot in common.
Purple is my favorite color!
I like it more than blue and red combined.
I recently sold my vacuum.
It was just collecting dust.
I used to own a nocturnal horse.
She was a nightmare.
I dreamt I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
I hate it when people make fun of the disabled.
They can't even stand up for themselves.
If you're at the Apple Store when it gets robbed...
You're an iWitness.
Being the first to move in chess...
Is white privilege.
So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later.
"Sir, we have good news and bad news."
I have a job as a gym instructor.
But it isn't working out.
When I used to be a wrestler, I would get a guy in a head lock and write my name on their forehead.
It was my signature move.
My Doctor gave me something to treat my hemorrhoids.
But I'm not so sure they deserve a treat.
My doctor told me that I needed to watch my drinking.
So I drink in front of a mirror now.
Two years ago I asked my dream girl on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.
She said no on both occasions.
The invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids were nothing to look at.
I've just had a ploughman's lunch.
He wasn't very happy about it.
My house cleaner is getting really annoying.
She keeps asking me to move out and says she wants a divorce.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.
It was a good orgy, all in all.
The label on my biscuits said, "Store in a cool place"
So I mailed them to Samuel L Jackson's house.
As a masochist I enjoy getting up at 3AM and having a cold shower.
So I don't.
I'm going to buy some velcro for my shoes instead of laces.
Why knot?
Had a massage today, but I didn't like it.
They rubbed me the wrong way.
I call my wife treasure.
Cause she looks like she's just been dug up.
I always wanted to be a doctor.
But I never had the patience.
I met my wife on the net.
We were terrible trapeze artists.
My grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war.
He never talked about it though.
A girl I fancy just phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home.
I fought a guy on some moving stairs today.
We started arguing at the bottom and things just escalated from there!
My doctor said my constant diarrhea was a problem caused by genetics.
It runs in my genes.
Donald Trump has done so much good for American education.
Now instead of citing my sources on an English paper, I can just write down, "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it."
President Trump! What about the aliens from space?
We need a ROOF!
My crazy ex-wife divorced me because I was bad at directions.
She said I didn't notice when we both went south.
A programmer had a problem, so he decided to use Java.
He now has a ProblemFactory.
Girls are a lot like butter.
It's easy to get them to spread with a knife.
I started a diet two weeks ago.
So far I've lost 14 days.
Welcome to plastic surgery anonymous.
I'm seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I'm really disappointed.
Mathematics is 90% common sense.
The other half is intelligence.
I haven't slept for three days.
Because that would be too long.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.
Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
I gave up alcohol last year.
It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.
My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her.
It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.
I got married to an antenna.
The wedding was ok, but the reception was awesome!
If you don't have friends, just tell a woman that you love her, and she'll tell you you're just friends.
Playing doctors and nurses with the wife last night didn't go well.
Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese!
My local theatre is showing a play called 'The Dictionary.'
It's a play on words.
I arranged a pessimists meeting today, but it wasn't a great turn out.
The room was half empty.
My hands got into an argument last night.
One was right and the other left.
I'd like to move to the fifth most populated city in France.
I've heard it's nice.
My friend said his dog could retrieve a stick from 5 miles away.
That just seems a little far-fetched to me.
I love the way the Earth rotates...
It makes my day.
There are three blondes on an island.
A genie says they can only have one wish to get themselves off.
The first says, "I wish I was smart." So she turns into a red head and swims off the island.
The second says, "I wish I was smarter than her." So she turns into a brunette and swims away.
The third one says, "I wish I was smarter than both of them." so she turns into a man and walks on the bridge.
A doctor walks into his office and informs the patient, "Good news: you passed your hearing test!"
The patient responds, "HUH?"
A Sheep, a Drum, and a Snake fall off a cliff.
Baa-Dumm-Tsss.
My grandfather was a baker in the army.
He went in all buns glazing.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She throws the flag for penalties the team committed 5 years ago.
A thief broke into my house last night.
He started searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.
TIL the host of Dirty Jobs is now a college professor who teaches students about money management and how spending affects the world around them.
The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.
I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.
He was dead Sirius.
If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what should you bring?
Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.
When I was little, my dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it.
I didn't really. He was just putting words in my mouth.
I got fired from my job at the pasta factory.
After a fusilli mistakes.
If you ever meet a girl named stone...
Don't take her for granite.
A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic and is destroying his family.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
In your mom's bedroom in the morning.
My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C
Don't worry though, he's 0K.
I used to be scared of pretty girls,
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
You can tell a lot about a person...
Just by not keeping their secrets.
A new type of broom has just been released.
And it is sweeping the nation.
My friend asked me if I could name two different structures that hold water.
I said, "Well, dam..."
If women can do anything men can do...
How come they haven't oppressed an entire gender?
Fox News has determined the cause of the recent plane crash.
It was the left wing.
Hindus and vegans must be great friends.
They never have beef.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat.
Then I remember they just feed off attention.
I have a vegan girlfriend and she's nice and all.
But sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of beet.
Vegans who drink water disgust me.
That's a fish's house you filthy Savage.
My wife thinks my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control.
I wonder how much money the government paid her to say that?
I like my puns like I like my sausages.
The wurst are the best.
Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You're too tents.
I gotta hand it to Stephen Hawking
because he can't catch.
Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree.
He's wanted dead and alive.
I was once a man stuck in a woman's body.
Then my mother gave birth.
I can't understand my parents.
I am 35 years old and they're still living with me.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone.
I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
My dyslexic friend likes that my name is Nate.
He thinks it's neat.
My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...
I responded, "Lazy."
I can sympathize with batteries.
I never get included in anything either.
Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.
There were a lot of casual tees.
Michelle Obama gave a great speech last night.
I can't wait to hear it again at the next Republican National Convention.
If your ex-wife and ex-mother in Law were drowning and you could only save one...
What kind of sandwich would you make?
They say 99% of the population is stupid...
I'm glad to be a member of the other 2%!
They used to be called "Jumpolines"...
...until your mom jumped on one back in 1972.
My Dr. just diagnosed me as 'paranoid'!
Well, she didn't say that, but I know the bitch was thinking it!
Years ago Chuck Norris set up a simple little home network and gave it a name.
It's called the internet.
I went on a job interview for a security guard.
After spending 12 hours in the waiting room they hired me.
To help someone before they commit a crime means you are their accomplice.
To help someone after they commit a crime means you are their attorney.
Canon to release new camera, the Canon 80HD.
Sadly it can't focus.
I was addicted to hokey pokey.
But I turned myself around.
So I met a vegan.
I'd finish the joke, but she's still talking.
"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it. A boy!"
It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
Losing game pieces sucks.
Especially when it's hide and seek... I'll never forget you, Brian..
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
I went to an art contest recently...
It ended in a draw.
I don't care if you don't like space puns. I like space puns.
Comet me bro.
To be Frank...
I'd have to change my name
And God said to man, "I will put obedient women on all corners of the world."
Then he laughed as he made the world a ball.
Chuck Norris once walked down a street with his fists in his pockets.
He was then arrested for concealing two deadly weapons.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, take the stereo.
I used to work in a bakery, but I didn't really enjoy it, and the pay wasn't great.
I just kneaded the dough.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass.
At night.
A man walks into a bar.
He backs up, unwraps it, and enjoys its chocolatey deliciousness.
Guys, police jokes aren't funny.
So give it arrest.
If you have a grief nobody feels,
If you have a pain nobody feels.
If your heart is broken nobody feels,
but if you fart all will understand.
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can't remember why.
My wife and I have agreed never to go to bed angry with one another.
So far we've been up for three weeks.
Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk."
The groom broom says, "How can that be? We haven't even swept together!"
There are two essential rules to management.
First, the customer is always right. Second, they must be punished for their arrogance.
A husband was looking for a way to get his wife to drive more carefully and he found it:
"Darling, if you have an accident, the police will record your real age!"
I love pressing F5.
It's refreshing.
I asked the boss if I could get a raise, and he said, "Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment."
I said, "I don't get it."
He said, "That's right."
My girlfriend told me that will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend!
I am a marvelous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
I have a fear of speed bumps.
But I am slowly getting over it.
I am a dog
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up
And give you a shower.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park.
But In the end, it doesn't even matter.
My wife is so negative.
I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm sexy".
Some days I just stand at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.
If I had only one day left to live, I would spend it in math class.
It would seem so much longer.
My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian, so I immediately broke up with her.
It may come across as judgmental, but really, I've only ever known and loved her as Christine.
I am often asked, "Is google a man or a women?"
My simple answer is:
It's a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.
I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Please be prepared for my mood.
I have got a new dog.
We have trained together for two months and imagine, after these two months I was able to reach him my paw and managed even barking around on command.
My dog can be proud of myself.
"My wife drives like thunder."
"So fast?"
"No, every minute she strikes a tree."
I just watched a documentary about Adolf Hitler.
He sure was a popular guy.
Everywhere he went, people shouted "Hi Hitler" and gave him a little wave.
"My friend is nuts. He thinks he's Bugs Bunny. But I m positive he isn't."
"How do you know he isn't?"
"Because I am."
If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
The rest of them will write Perl programs.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard.
I'm going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That'll blow his little mind.
There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one.
Two bats comment: "What's happened to this one?"
"I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted."
There are only two kinds of computer.
The latest model, and the obsolete.
I like my women the same as I like my whiskey ...
20 years old and mixed up with coke !
I have a green nose, three red mouths, and four purple ears.
What am I?
Ugly!
I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day.
Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning.
Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.
There are two theories about how to argue with women.
Neither one works.
My wife asked if I would give it to her "doggy style."
So I took a dump on the floor and chewed up her shoes.
My wife came in complaining about me never lifting a finger in the house.
So I did - the middle one.
I have two accounts on Facebook it means I have two faces.
It's really good because one is cuter to attract people.
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
I'm proud to say I made my money the old-fashioned way.
My dad left it to me in his will.
My wife hates the sight of me when I'm drunk.
But I hate the sight of her when I'm sober.
'If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.' Mark Twain
I like a big, strong, hardworking man, a man who wakes up early in the morning eager to work hard.
I'm talking day-in and day-out just working and sweating and sweating and working, and when it's all over, he showers and goes to his job.
I can tell when my wife drinks.
Her face gets blurred.
I used to hate weddings, all the old ladies would prod me and say "you'll be next!"
They soon stopped that, when I started saying it to them at funerals !
There are two cows in a field.
One says to the other:
"So what do you think of mad cow disease?"
The other replies: "I don't know, I'm a chicken!"
My wife and I have our little fights.
We had a fight last week.
Nothing much, only two police cars.
Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man
He's always looking over his shoulder.
An angry feminist told me that men are pigs!
So I told her that women are equal to men.
I just spotted a Chihuahua!
That wasn't very nice, you shouldn't draw on dogs!
I bought a dog the other day...
I named him Stay.
It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay!
Come here, Stay!"
He went insane.
Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
He's an East German Shepherd.
I thought, Miss Smith, that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you were seeing your dentist?
That's right, Sir.
So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre with a friend?
That was my dentist.
"I am sorry, madam, but I shall have to charge you hundred dollars for pulling your boy's tooth."
"Hundred dollars!
Why, I understood you to say that you charged only twenty dollars for such work!"
"Yes," replied the dentist, "but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared out four other patients out of the office."
If you had a gun and you were being chased by a bull and a mountain lion, which one would you shoot first?
The mountain lion.
You can always shoot the bull!
I saw the most beautiful cars in the window of a dealership recently.
A sales man came out and said: 'Come on in.
They're bigger than ever and they last a lifetime!'
Later I learned he was talking about the payments.
I don't think my Mom knows much about children.
Why do you say that?
Because she always puts me to bed when I'm wide awake, and gets me up when I'm sleepy!
I don't think these photographs you've taken do me justice.
You don't want justice - you want mercy!
My computer isn't that nervous.
It's just a bit ANSI.
I love u.
It's my favourite vowel.
I beat a black belt at karate.
My next challenger is a green sock.
I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer.
Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice.
Life is like a box of chocolates.
It doesn't last too long for fat people.
A Kraft cheese factory recently burned down.
No one reported the fire for hours, because no one believed that there actually were hot Singles in the area.
My dad always said, "I before E except after C".
Society taught me otherwise.
If a girl is preventing you from reaching your goal...
Then she's a keeper.
Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields?
I'm not so sure about this NFL draft thing.
I've been known to give sage advice from time-to-time.
Though I do get funny looks for talking to herbs.
I thought about buying a pocket calculator.
And then I thought who cares how many pockets I have.
99 little bugs in the code, 99 little bugs.
Take one down, patch it around... 127 little bugs in the code.
Apparently my friends think I'm paranoid.
I knew it.
"You the bomb!"
"No you the bomb!"
A compliment in America, an argument in the middle east.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. All he does is stand there applauding and saying he loves how smooth it is.
I'm really pleased with my new fridge magnet.
So far I've got eight fridges.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
I mean, have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
I treat women like I do numbers.
If they're under 16, do them in your head.
Three politicians go to heaven.
No, seriously, it could happen.
I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book.
The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.
Boolean Algebra.
You either know it or you don't.
Yes, it is.
Is time travel possible?
Albert Einstein just finished his theory about space.
It's about time, too.
I hear cancer is hard to beat
No one got past stage 4.
Sometimes I stare at a Frisbee and wonder why it is getting bigger.
Then it hits me.
They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life"
They are right - that field isn't hiring!
I was just in Oklahoma.
It was OK.
Just finished a puzzle in only two weeks!
I'm pretty proud of myself, because the box said 3-5 years.
I'll admit that the Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart.
But doing it with their eyes closed... that's a bit cocky.
I like my women like I like my wine.
Twelve years old and in the cellar.
One night, as I was laying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself:
"What the hell happened to the roof?"
I threw a boomerang a few years ago
I now live in constant fear.
Do you know what the fastest growing city in Ireland is?
Dublin. It keeps Dublin and Dublin.
I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the papers jammin' again
My parents raised me as an only child.
It really upset my sister.
I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July.
Surely 239 years of being officially separated from America is something to be happy about.
I have decided to write all my jokes in capitols from now on.
This one was written in London.
"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian."
Is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few year ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been far more successful.
I had a breakthrough and got in touch with my inner self.
That's the last time I buy single ply toilet paper.
I used to like banking...
But then I lost interest.
If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up...
They would be alloys.
If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets.
I'd hate to toot my own horn.
I can't stand those stupid people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn".
Stupid firemen.
My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession
She said "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a transformer".
I said "But baby, I can change".
She said "There you go again!"
Don't walk through a field of psychedelic mushrooms
It's quite a tripping hazard.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force.
The light side, the dark side and Chuck Norris.
If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns
Go for the juggler.
Why was the beaver mad?
Because no one came to his dam party.
Three feminists walk into a bar.
They look at one another and say, "Hooray! We've taken over a male-dominated joke format!"
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
No matter how bad things get, at least I have my fingers!
I know I can always count on them.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
Life Pro Tip: If your dentist has no painkillers, ask him for Helium.
It will be hilarious when you scream.
My son was on eBay this morning
No bids yet.
I took a class at Trump University.
The textbook had four Chapter 11s.
My sister's zodiac sign was cancer, which is really ironic to how she died...
She got squashed by a giant crab.
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.
She got mad and said she's never playing Scrabble with me again.
Told my co-workers this joke about mandatory meetings.
You really had to be there.
I should clean mirrors for a living.
It's a profession I can see myself in.
I put my root beer in a square glass.
Now it's just beer.
A man with no carnal desires walks into a Freudian psychoanalyst's office.
The psychoanalyst stops him and says, "Hey, buddy, I'm gonna need to see some id."
My wife has everything I could ever want in a woman:
Low standards.
I love whiteboards
They're remarkable.
My friends tell me I'm condescending
Condescending is when you talk down to people
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free.
My friend has a habit of dropping things.
It's getting out of hand.
When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja.
Impressive.
I started flossing again recently to remove food from between my teeth.
I never realized just how much blood I was eating.
My wife told me to treat her like a princess.
So I put her in the back of my car and crashed it into a tunnel.
They say that trains are full of weird people...
...but I don't think that's true. I've never met a weird person on a train, and I talk to everyone.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then...
... you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.
I didn't worry much when my parachute didn't open.
I didn't understand the gravity of the situation.
My drunk friend was kicked out of Karaoke for singing "Danger Zone" 7 times in a row.
He had exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them they die.
The bartender said we don't serve time travellers...
Two time travellers walk into a bar.
Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons.
It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada.
When I was five, my Dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie...
I miss snowballs, she was a good cat.
Friends are like trees...
They fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
My friend was raped by a troupe of mime artists...
They did unspeakable things to her.
I once lost my thesaurus...
And I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was.
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82...
...I'm easily lead.
A lot of people are talking about Usain Bolt.
I guess it's a running joke.
It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving for weeks afterward.
Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.
"Mummy, Mummy! what's for dinner?"
"Shut up and get back in the oven."
I should put my GPA up for adoption.
There's no way I can raise it by myself.
I like my women how I like my bicycles.
Chained up in the garage.
People don't approve when I run up to them in the street and try to make plaster casts of their faces.
At least that's the impression that I get.
I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area.
Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.
I don't trust stairs...
They look like they're up to something.
I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.
It was breath taking.
My friend recently told me he was allergic to blood...
I told him he was full of it.
I like my women like I like my microwave
Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.
So...the past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
My thesaurus is awful.
Not only that, it's also awful.
My wife and I walked past a fancy restaurant, and she said "Ohh, something smells nice."
So I decided to treat her - I let her walk past it a second time.
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.
It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.
I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.
Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness...
Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.
Nobody believes that I can name the Canadian Prime Minister.
It's Trudeau.
My friend told me I don't know what irony is...
Which is ironic, because we were at a bus stop.
I asked my magic 8-ball which email client to use. It told me...
Outlook not so good.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don't rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
My Ex made the worst coffee.
I thought it was grounds for divorce.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
A girl told me she had a dream that I made love to her...
I mean, technically, she didn't say "dream," she said "nightmare," but close enough.
If the letters fall off your company's logo...
...maybe it's a bad sign.
I like my women how I like my old bike...
... chained up in the shed.
I think my neighbor is stalking me through her computer because I've seen her google my name.
I'm certain I saw it on my telescope last night.
Times New Roman walks into a saloon.
The bartender says to him, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your type here." So he shot the serif.
The doctor who performed my lobotomy operation did a lousy job.
I have half a mind to tell him so.
I made a deposit at the sperm bank last night.
She really hates it when I call her that though.
SC shooting suspect Dylan Roof has been apprehended.
He was charged with impersonating a police officer.
Archaeologists digging in Egypt discovered a Mummy covered in Chocolate and Nuts
Experts believe it to be a Pharaoh Roche
I once told a chemistry joke
There was no reaction
If you want to be a General Motors engineer, your memory needs to be perfect.
You have to recall everything.
Reflection vs Refraction
the point at which I realize how lucky I am to not have an Asian professor.
All I got for Christmas was a pack of sticky cards.
It was difficult to deal with.
If Donald Trump becomes president
we will have toupee more taxes.
3 fonts walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "We don't serve your type."
I've just been robbed by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
Though ironically, he wasn't wearing a mask so I don't know which one he was.
I tried my best to prepare my girlfriend for dinner with my folks.
Dad loved her, but mum said she could've done with another hour on a low heat.
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers.
Most strippers have little or no coverage.
Sugar is the only word in English language in which "Su" is pronounced as "Shu".
I am pretty sure about it.
When I was growing up my parents used to tell me that I can be anyone I wanted.
Now the police call that Identity theft.
Two snakes walk into a bar.
Turns out they were lizards.
Three social media news article writers walk into a bar
You won't believe what happens next.
I bought my mom a fridge for her birthday present
You should have seen her face light up when she opened it!
It's Albert Einstein, not mine
Few things are Infinite, The Universe, Human stupidity and the amount of times you have to tell your Mother you can't pause an online Game.
Who is this Rorschach guy?
And why does he keep making paintings of my parents fighting?
Comic Sans walks into a bar.
The bartender yells, "we don't serve your type in here."
A blonde's boyfriend dies after choking
She tried calling 911 but couldn't find the eleven.
A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church...
The priest says, "Hey hey hey, you're not allowed here." The Higgs boson says, "But without me, there would be no mass."
New dating app for German Catholic Priests
Kinder
My girlfriend and I broke up over astrology.
She's a Taurus, but I don't believe in bullshit.
A frog parked his car in the handicapped spot.
It got toad.
No one laughed at my geography joke
I guess you had to be there.
Donald Trump is not actually a member of the Republican Party
He's a *Whig*
While in bed, my girlfriend said, "OMG it's so large!"
Problem is, I'm a serious arachnophobe, and it was right next to me.
A vulture is boarding an airplane carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess says, "I'm sorry sir, there is only one carrion allowed per passenger."
I majored in Politics, Computer Science, and Dance.
Now I'm stuck writing Al Gore Rhythms.
If you and jack were horseback riding
Would you help jack off the horse?
I can never talk to my Dad at breakfast because he still reads newspapers.
I guess you could say he's behind The Times.
My first workout back at the gym was great.
I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
My girlfriend left me....
she said she was sick of my tree puns what a beech
I'm surprised more people didn't know about the NSA spying programs
I mean most of our computers are labelled "Intel"
Girlfriend told me she wanted to see our kids
so I came in her eye
I booked an hotel in kenya on walking distance from the beach...
You can't imagine how far those kenyans will walk.
I used to get sharp pains in my eye when I drank coffee...
My doctor said, take the spoon out of the mug
So I applied for a random volunteer job at my church
I really hope I get the missionary position
I texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her it was over.
I'm Ruthless.
I bet my butcher £50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said "No, the steaks are too high".
I used to date computer programs but that's over now
My girlfriend still worries that I may go back but I reply to her "they're just exes "
Car company executives must have the best memories in the world
because GM recalls everything.
How Long is an asian dick
I mean, seriously, I saw him stealing cookies from a little girl.
A pothead, a rapist and a dog killer walk into a bar.
The Steelers must be in town.
Just found out my alcoholic uncle is into necrophilia
Gives a whole new meaning to 'cracking open a cold one.'
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago...
...and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Trump has been looking smaller and smaller lately.
He's on the low-fact diet.
Beyonce has more black people inside her than.
Donald trumps cabinet.
Why doesn't Alabama have calculus teachers.
They don't like integration.
TIL there was a dinosaur that had three butts.
It was from the Triassic period.
Give a cat a box and he'll be happy for a day
Teach a cat to box and start wondering what you're doing with your life
A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.
"No." Said the farmer "No." Said the tomato
To the handicapped guy who stole my bag:
You can hide but you can't run.
If you had a choice between world peace or Bill Gates' money, what color would your Lamborghini be?
My wife told me she wanted to see a huge diamond for her birthday...
So I took her to a baseball game.
I got teased by my friends, because they thought my girlfriend was imaginary
Jokes on them - they are too.
I ran into my old girlfriend at the airport,
boy she has a lot of baggage.
I turned into a cat earlier
Don't ask meow
The scientists have finally found out what a woman wants.
But she has already changed her mind.
'Jesus loves you' means one thing in general society.
And something completely different in prison.
I ate too much alphabet soup and became consonated.
I was better after I evacuated my vowels.
My friend's bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset
But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.
I was the photographer at a vegan wedding this weekend
They kept getting mad when I told them to say cheese.
A woman walks into a bar and says, "I'll have an entendre, in fact, make it a double"
So he gave it to her.
Hillary Clinton will make the best president
She will save us 25% in salary right from the start.
The font for alphabet soup
Is times new ramen.
My girlfriend is like my iPad
I don't have an iPad.
Golfers always bring two pairs of pants to the Masters.
Just in case they get a hole in one.
My girlfriend and I could never agree on holidays...
I wanted to fly to exotic places and stay in luxurious five-star hotels. And she wanted to come with me.
I changed my password to "incorrect"
So when I forget it my computer will tell me "your password is incorrect"
If I was a cop, I would write the word 'Influence' on a bridge, and pull over anyone that drives under it.
I've always dreamed of swimming in an ocean of orange soda
It's a fanta-sea of mine
If I had a dollar for every time Hillary played the Woman Card
...I'd have $0.77 cents.
I got security cameras fitted outside my house just to convince people that I have stuff worth stealing.
Scientists have recently created a new hybrid by mating a male donkey and a female deer.
It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe.
I bought a friend of mine an elephant for his room
He said thanks. I said don't mention it.
The Sahara desert walks into a bar.
The barman says "long time no sea."
If you were stranded on a desert island, what would you bring with you?
I would take one for the team and bring Donald Trump.
My girlfriend often accuses me of telling sexist, condescending jokes that target women.
I've explained to her those jokes are actually ironic jabs at the current state of post-modern feminism, designed to highlight societal double standards across genders. So she needn't worry her pretty little head about it.
I hate talking to my boyfriend sometimes.
Every time I bring up his camping fetish, he pitches a huge tent.
My 82 year old Grandpa's favorite joke
A skeleton walks into a bar, sits down and says "I'll have a beer and a mop"
Got pulled over while doing calculus in my car last night
Cop said I was deriving over the limit.
Asians are so bad at driving
That I think Pearl harbour was an accident.
A liar, a murderer, and a cheater walk into a bar.
The New England Patriots must be in town.
A physicist saw a man standing on a ledge
The physicist yelled out "Don't jump, you have so much potential!"
I have a dog with no legs.
His name is Cigarette because I have to take him out for a drag.
The inventor of the air conditioner has died
Thousands of fans are attending his funeral
Lost three toes in a wood-chopping accident and my girlfriend dumped me
Said she's lack-toes intolerant
My grandfather died peacefully and in his sleep
but the kids on his bus were screaming.
My wife said we each needed to make sacrifices to make our relationship work.
She was less than impressed with the dead goat I left in our kitchen.
The farmer was very concerned when his cows got into his marijuana crop.
The steaks were high.
Those "Run Hillary, Run!" bumper stickers are selling incredibly well
Democrats put them on the back of their cars, Republicans put them on the front!
My girlfriend is a keeper.
She's perfect, but I never score.
How to turn your dishwasher into a snowblower.
Hand her a shovel!
I asked God for a bike...
... but then realized that is not how God works. So I stole some kid's bike and asked God for forgiveness.
A rapist, a carpenter, and Alexander the Great walk into a bar
They came, they saw, they conquered
I like my Men like I like my Coffee
I'm Mormon. I'm not allowed.
Black Guy shot 15 times by the Alabama Police
Worst case of suicide they had ever seen.
Marriage is like a seesaw.
It's not fun if one of them is fat.
50% of being a lawyer is the ability to use latin phrases that people don't understand
the other 50% is *ad hoc ergo propter hoc*
Sometimes it seems like I'm married to my own liver...
I only abuse it when I'm drinking.
An Asian woman brings her large Irish boyfriend to meet her traditional parents
Her mother says: "You bring great Shamus to this family."
Politician (noun):
Someone who will lay down your life for his country.
Yo momma so fat her patronus is a cake
Marriage brings two people together
to solve issues they never had before
My girlfriend broke up with me for my obsession with touching pasta.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
I almost got killed because my Superman cloak wasn't the correct size.
It was a narrow "S" cape.
Two blondes walk into a bar
The first one says "Don't worry, I didn't see it either".
I am opening a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet"
A kid meal is £250
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's 'Hi, How are you?'"
My girlfriend treats me like I'm God
She ignores my existence and doesn't ever speak to me.
My girlfriend's dad just gave me the green light.
Which was very generous, but I don't find him sexy.
My doctor told me I had the airport flu.
He says it's terminal.
My wife accused me of fogging up our bathroom mirror
But I really can't see myself doing that.
I was watching the Dyslexic news channel earlier.
Apparently North Korea are making unclear threats to the US.
I'm not saying she's a slut
but she did get fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job.
A Priest, rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar
And orders a drink
Trump's wives were immigrants.
Proving again that immigrants will do jobs Americans won't.
A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar
The bartender says "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything"
I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?
She's 5 foot 5, 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.
I just picked up the Germanwings iPhone app...
When I switched on airplane mode, it locked me out of the phone and then crashed.
My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating.
There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon
I knew you'd come crawling back
the minute I stole your wheelchair
My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.
So a Harley Davidson rolls into a bar and the bartender asks what it'd like.
RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM
People are so unreliable
Waited in all day for someone to come and fix my broken doorbell, but they never turned up.
What happens when the pope dies?
Another one popes up.
I was kicked out of the army because I got gonorrhea
It was a dishonorable discharge
The Ukrainian government is opening up a tourist attraction in Chernobyl.
It will be like Disney World, except the six foot tall mouse is real.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,
Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.
My ex was like a computer game.
Started off easy, got a little harder and eventually I ended up cheating.
My girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together.
Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking.
Beer has female hormones
Whenever I am drinking I talk too much and can't drive a car.
I got arrested the other day for stealing full stops.
I'm looking at a long sentence.
Scientists announced that a man had chilled himself to absolute zero in an industrial accident.
He's 0K right now.
I thought Bill Gates would cave and release the new Microsoft Office early.
But he kept his Word.
I've slept with every school teacher I've ever had.
Yep, home schooling has its perks.
Sorry we don't serve time travelers here
Two time travelers walk into a bar
I tried to rob a bank using jello cast in the shape of a gun
The police charged me with carrying a congealed weapon
A list of Hillary Clinton jokes.
[deleted]
3 mods walk into a strip club
[removed]
I'm gonna open a Pho restaurant that never closes!
It's called Twenty Pho Seven
I heard it said that one in every three people will cheat in a relationship.
I just can't tell if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
Chinese Food is amazing
but I do find it hard to believe that a chicken fried this rice
My girlfriend started biting her lip to look sexy...
How do I tell her it's supposed to be the bottom lip?
A sandwich walks into a bar
The bartender stares at it blankly and says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food."
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Oasis songs.
I said maybe.
Marriage is a lot like being a meteorologist.
No matter what you say, you're still wrong.
He's making a list, he's checking it twice.
He's gonna find out who's Muslim or nice. Donald Trump is coming to town ! 🎶
Animals can sense disasters before they happen.
That's why the neighbors dog barks whenever I make a move on a girl.
I've always said that life is a lot like doing laundry
There's a lot less bleeding if you separate the colors from the whites.
"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos here" said the bartender.
A neutrino walked into a bar.
Working with horses is hard
but it's stable work.
Finally took that warning on the cigarette pack to heart
and stopped littering
My friend hasn't spoken to me since I accused him of stealing some wooden panels.
I think he took a fence.
I'm in a complex relationship
My girlfriend is imaginary.
My professor asked me to define narcissism
I said, "It's the belief you are as perfect and infallible as I am."
In Germany, we know of a joke
The French military.
He orders a beer and a shot of whiskey.
A time traveler walks into a bar.
'That cut looks bad. You should go to the hospital for stitches.
"Nah." "Fine, suture self."
My neighbors listen to good music
If they like it or not
Yo mama is so fat that
when she walked in front of the TV, I missed 3 seasons of Breaking Bad
For my birthday my friends got me a sweater.
I would have preferred a screamer or moaner, but a sweater was fine.
Doctor said getting some natural light would help with my depression.
Now I'm depressed *and* hung over.
My dog used to chase after people on bike
So I took the bike away from him.
My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning.
The toughest part was acting surprised.
I was just told that my dog chased someone on a bicycle and bit him.
That's bullshit, my dog can't even ride a bicycle.
Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right
But two Wrights make an airplane
My relationship is complex
part real, part imaginary.
I bought my son a puppy for his birthday but I accidentally ran him over as I was backing out my driveway. At least I still have the puppy
My computer just said 'hello' to me.
I think it might be a Dell.
My girlfriend has accused me of stalking her.
Well, technically she's not my girlfriend yet.
Yo momma cooks so bad...
The flys all chipped in and fixed the screen door. We're here all night, don't forget to tip your waiter!!
Was very disappointed when I went into a German restaurant and asked for their best
But they served me their wurst.
To all the haters out there, I think Melania Trump's speech hit all the right keys.
Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V
I'm gonna sell my vacuum cleaner.
It's just collecting dust
I gave my girlfriend a birthday celebration that lasted only half a minute
After all, it was her thirty second birthday.
How does a farmer count his cows??
with a Cowculator!!
I didn't realize how religious the Japanese are.
Always asking me if I have a pray station at home.
Fix a man's computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.
Teach a man to fix his computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.
When I got depressed, I joined the Army.
I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.
What does a cop and a dj have in common
They both tell drunk people to put their hands up
Recently found out my toaster was not waterproof
I was shocked.
I went to this restaurant on the beach in Florida and ordered something called the Pelican Burger.
It was good, but the bill was enormous.
Since I started dating my girlfriend half a year ago I became a millionaire
6 months ago I was a billionaire.
A cowboy opens a German car dealership
His business card says "Audi Partner"
Studies show there is actually intelligent DNA in women.
But unfortunately most of them spit it out.
I heard 80% of all accident happen within 10 miles of home.
So I moved.
I hardly ever drink
Only 2 times a year to be exact On my birthday, And when it's not my birthday
My drivers license says I'm an organ donor,
but jokes on them because I own a piano.
My face is so oily
The US wants to invade it.
My girlfriend just asked how mature I was on a scale of 1 to 100..
..apparently 69 was not the correct answer.
So my friend asked me how often I make chemistry jokes.
I replied "Periodically"
A police officer pulled me over and said "Sir, please identify yourself"
So I took out a mirror and replied "yeah, it's me"
2 Nazis walk into a BAR
They each get 10 shots
If I had a dollar every time Trump said something stupid...
I'd have a small loan of a million dollars.
My dad said "Always leave them wanting more."
That's how he lost his job in disaster relief.
I remember when my mum used to tuck me in.
She really wanted a daughter.
My girlfriend has a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh.
If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.
My girlfriends father wouldn't let us sleep together when I stayed over at her house
Which is a shame because he's very attractive.
Marriage is like a card game.
At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a Spade.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday
It was mighty kind of them, but they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch"
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to take part in a rape fantasy
She screamed NO!! I said that's the spirit
So, a one-hump camel marries a two-hump camel, and they have a baby, but the baby didn't have a hump.
So they named him Humphrey.
My dad always told me to treat women like flowers.
So I tore my girlfriend apart limb by limb to find out whether or not she loved me.
The Navy is beginning to recruit blind men.
They are sending them out to sea.
They say curiosity killed the cat,
but what I want to know is how the cat got to Mars in the first place
If you were to write a direct, very short introduction for Microsoft Office's word processor, it might be a...
...forward four-word foreword for Word.
I saw the army of Lichtenstein the other day.
He was a really nice guy.
I like the NSA
They're the only government agency that listens
You know what you call a marine with an IQ of 160
A platoon.
Muslims are a lot like breakfast eggs.
If they aren't Sunni side up, they're probably Shiite.
I warn you not to mess with me!
I know Karate, Judo, Aikido, Jiu Jitsu and 22 other japanese words.
The NSA isn't all that bad
It's the only part of the American government that listens to its citizens!
I just found out a distant relative of mine has eaten three people.
It's a lot to digest
If I give you breakfast in bed just say "thanks"
Not "who are you" and "how did you get in here"
War is God's way of teaching
Americans geography.
My girlfriend is a pornstar
Shes gunna kill me when she finds out.
My wife is so sweet
Every time she goes to a bar alone she gives me her wedding ring so I can think about her all night long.
They say that 1 out of 3 people has cheated on their relationship
I'm not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
I got arrested at the airport last week.
Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding the plane.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many girls want me
She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening
I'm going to check out the new restaurant called Karma.
There's no menu, you just get what you deserve.
Americans won't get this
Free healthcare
A kid in the park told me smoking was bad for me
So I popped his ballon with my cigarette and informed him so was talking to strangers.
My girlfriend's dad wouldn't let us sleep together
which is a shame because he's very attractive
I like my women like I like my golf game
Around 80 and handicapped.
A white man was arrested after shooting a black man on the street.
He was charged with impersonating a police officer.
And Jesus said unto Peter, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal glory"
But Peter came fifth, and won only a toaster.
My neighbor came pounding on my front door at 2am last night
lucky for him, I was up practicing my bag pipes.
Illegal immigrants do jobs that Americans don't want.
Like marrying Donald Trump.
My secretary doesn't wear any bra or panties to work.
But he types really well.
I ate 4 bowls of delicious alphabet soup.
After that I had a massive vowel movement.
Three helium atoms walk into a bar
HeHeHe
The saddest joke I've heard
My wife ran off with my best friend... Now, when I throw the stick, it just lays there.
A physicist notices a man about to jump of a really tall building, he yells:
DON'T JUMP YOU HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL
A girlfriend is like a good joke.
If I told you I had one, you'd probably laugh.
I'm probably moving back to my home country if Trump gets elected.
Not by choice either.
The cannibal was late to dinner
He was given the cold shoulder
Donald Trump's doctor has recently prescribed him Prozac.
He told him it would help him control hispanics.
Johnny threw a pack of cards at Jenny
Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it
In marriage there are 3 types of rings
The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
Never call a woman fat.
An elephant never forgets.
A man is walking down the street dragging 20 ft of rope behind him.
His neighbor is curious and asks, "Hey buddy, why you pulling that rope?" The man replies, "You ever tried pushing it?"
Say all the bad things you want about pedophiles
But at least they drive slowly through school zones.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" would be nice...
...None of that "How did you get into my house?" business.
My girlfriend and I broke up because of a difference in religious beliefs.
She didn't believe I was God.
Two cows walk into a vegan bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
My daughter was whining about her chores.
She asked if she needed to vacuum the whole apartment. I said, "no, just do the floor."
My girlfriend asked if I would spend a month away from her for 5000 dollars.
It's tempting, but I don't think I can afford it.
My girlfriend is like the temperature of a molecule.
Doesn't exist by definition.
A girl from Alabama asked me if I found her attractive.
I said, "You've got a face only a brother could love."
I tried to start an online bakery.
But I accidentally deleted all my cookies.
When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian they laughed at me.
They're not laughing now.
I caught my neighbor putting a layer of topsoil on my allotment
The plot thickened
The United States has such bad luck
It's almost as if it was build on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
I don't need a girlfriend, I can just play Pokemon Go
The servers go down on me every day
My girlfriend is a stoner who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks.
She's kind of high maintenance.
The trick to a good joke is nailing the punchline.
Jesus
I asked the grammar police about a crime in the capital...
They told me that case was sensitive.
Heroin use among horses have grown
But finding the evidence is like finding a needle in a haystack.
I'm living in a rough neighbourhood...
Some thug tore the front and back pages of my dictionary out! It just goes from Bad to Worse
30 people walk into a bar
This is the worst game of limbo I've ever seen
My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients
I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.
My girlfriend just texted me "myspacebarisbrokencanyougivemeanalternative?"
Does anyone know what "ternative" means?
There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people
Push and pull.
I like my coffee how I like my women
Imported from poor South American countries.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.
I didn't know you could win prizes for staying in a hospital bed for a long time.
But my brother got a trophy.
My butcher is very rude
I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder
My Friends Call Me A Pedophile
Because she's 18 and I'm 30, but I'll be damned if I let them ruin our seven year anniversary.
My girlfriend asked me how do I see lesbian relationships
Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the right answer.
I'm ordering a chicken and an egg from Amazon
I'll let you know
I had a 7 course Irish dinner last night
A 6 pack of Guinness and a potato
So my daughters friend came over the other day and they played house together
Now I have $50k in medical bills and she thinks she has Lupus.
If Donald trump takes over the presidency after Obama
I guess you could say orange really is the new black
I've just found out why they call it 'Almond Milk'.
They tried to call it 'Nut Juice' but no one would buy it.
My girlfriend asked me to 'eat the booty like groceries'
But I'm on a glute-free diet
My stoner neighbors got divorced
but it's okay because they got joint custody
There are 2 truly difficult problems in Computer Science
0: Naming things 1: Cache invalidation 2: Off by one errors
I actually have a good Japanese joke.
Anime'd it myself.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, and I thought to myself,
Wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized : I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.
A Farmer asked me to round up his 68 sheep
I said 'Sure, seventy'.
Politicians are like Sperm
One in a million turn out to be an actual human being
I started downloading Jaws the other day
But after one megabyte, my computer died.
Arguing with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement
In the end, you ignore everything and click "I Agree".
Trump Says Immigrants take Jobs Americans Refuse to take.
Like being his wife.
Trumps wives were immigrants
Proving again that they'll do jobs Americans won't
It only takes 3 inches to please a woman.
And it doesn't matter if it's Mastercard, Visa or American Express.
I'm such a bad golfer, they should send me to Mars.
I'm guaranteed to find water.
I've been texting this cute dyslexic girl.
I think she likes me, but she keeps sending mixed messages.
My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.
He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.
Ray rice got caught punching his girlfriend in an elevator
It was wrong on so many levels.
I went to bed with a 7 and woke up with a 10.
Forced upgrades should be illegal, Microsoft.
My dad's bread factory burnt down
Now his business is toast
I didn't think my doctor could fix my bowed legs.
I stand corrected.
My Girlfriend is always covered in bruises because she doesn't listen..
I'm always like "You're about to run into that lamp!"
They Say 1 out of 3 People Cheat in a Relationship
Not sure if it's my wife, or my girlfriend.
I've started a business building yachts in my attic
Sails are going through the roof!
I'm not a fan of Trump, but I'd never denigrate his supporters
If you're a Trump supporter, denigrate means to put down.
What does Hillary Clinton say when she's unhappy at a restaurant?
Can I have a different server?
I saw someone try to park a car for about 10 minutes.
I didn't see the driver so I'm not going to assume what gender she was.
The NSA
The only part of the government that actually listens
I told a girl she would look better with her hair back and she got really offended.
Chemo patients are so sensitive.
I went to a zoo one time and all they had was a dog.
It was a shih tzu.
No matter how kind you are
German children are kinder
I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.
He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of days now and hasn't tweeted them yet.
I overheard a midget complaining to a police officer that his pocket had been picked.
The officer said 'I can't believe anyone would stoop that low.
My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful.
I told her, "urinate out of ten."
I just grilled a chicken for 8 hours.
And it still didn't tell me why it crossed the road.
My neighbor is loud and obnoxious
Now I know how Canada feels
My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger.
It was mine.
I've been trying to find my girlfriend's killer for the last month.
Nobody's agreeing to do it.
The price of balloons is said to rise.
It's only logical with all the inflation.
My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut
I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"
My girlfriend has the body of a Greek Goddess;
Imaginary
The finebros confiscated my Epi-Pen
I was having an allergic reaction.
Yo mama's so fat
Her nose can't even run Came up with this myself and was quite proud
My girlfriend threatened to break up with me
She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me." I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."
My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon
It never really took off.
My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness.
At least that's what the cat told me.
Cute names to call your girlfriend with
1.sugar 2.honey 3.flour 4.egg 5.1/2 lb butter 6.stir 7.pour into pan 8.preheat to 375°
A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon
He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."
Went to dinner with my girlfriend tonight and got called a pedophile because I'm 30 and she's 19.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola:
The directions say the medication must be taken with food.
They say statistically, 1 out of every 3 of your neighbors are likely to be a pedophile.
Luckily for me, I live next to two gorgeous 12 year olds.
Some chick got her nipple pierced at the bar last night.
I'm not very good at darts.
I love throwing house warming parties
But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.
I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye
So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen
My girlfriend found one of my puns so funny that she flew into space and told it to an alien. Unfortunately, the alien didn't laugh.
Personally, I think she took the joke a bit too far.
I accidentally called out my mums name during sex
and my sister hasn't talked to me since.
My girlfriend doesn't like it when I ask her to blow cool air on me
She is not a fan.
I tried to ignore my girlfriend's bulimia
but she kept bringing it back up
Trying to make a password
Me: beefstew Computer: sorry, password not stroganoff
If I had a dollar for every time I got laid...
I'd be a prostitute.
I think my girlfriend has a trigonometry fetish
because every time I talk to her she gets off on a tangent.
Apparently one in three people cheat.
I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
My girlfriend told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.
My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Oscar Pistorius wants a new bathroom door
His girlfriend is dead against it.
Now that Donald Trump is actually building the wall, I hear Mexicans are depressed
I'm sure they'll soon get over it
Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?
Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?
You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water?
In Flint, the waiter asks you, "Regular or Unleaded?"
About a week ago, my Girlfriend developed anorexia
Ever since then, I've been seeing less and less of her.
Civil War spoilers
Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.
I hate making spelling mistakes.
You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukkake party.
You should have seen her face.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room
The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.
I recently watched my wedding video backwards.
I love the part where I take the ring off her finger, leave the church and go drinking with my friends.
My girlfriend said to me...
"If one day, you want to run away, just let me know..." Turns out she meant together.
So my new girlfriend plays soccer professionally
I think she's a keeper
My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious."
I wish I'd thought of that quote.
Stop sending toys to children in Africa
It's gotta be depressing, getting a Tamagotchi that will outlive you.
I never want to have a threesome.
If I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd have dinner with my parents.
My wife left me because she said I had a drinking problem
After she left I lost the urge to drink.
I asked my girlfriend if looks and money were important to her when choosing a boyfriend...
she said "Clearly not."
A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots.
He goes home sober.
My son is in hospital because of one little driving mistake.
He beat me at Mario Kart.
Trump hates saying "yes" to Mexicans so much
We may as well call him the "Not Si" President
The police just released a statement that someone is going around pickpocketing midgets.
I'm surprised someone could stoop so low.
A Poem
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Stop memes about Harambe -Cincinnati Zoo
I am 38, last night I was out with my 19 y.o. girlfriend and someone yelled "paedophile!" ...
It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.
I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.
My thoughts are with his family.
I just broke up with my girlfriend who had a lazy eye.
Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.
I just ended a 5 years long relationship
I'm fine, it wasn't my relationship.
I accidentally gave my wife super glue instead of Chapstick
She's still not talking to me.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she sounded like my wife
TIL: The Norwegian Navy have started to put barcodes on their ships.
So they can Scan da navy in
Hillary Clinton will potentially be the first f***** president.
I wrote female, but apparently someone deleted the email
My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas
She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it. Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant.
I can't take anything out in time.
Donald Trump has just announced his candidacy for president
Sorry for putting the punchline in the title.
Iran bans Americans from traveling there.
Won't beheading there anymore
My girlfriend said I treat her like a little girl.
So, I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.
"You look like a million bucks"...
...said Bill Gates disappointedly to his wife.
Told a girl to text me when she got home.
She must be homeless.
The NSA
A government organization that actually listens to you!
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer
I saw it through my telescope last night.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.
It's ok though, she always comes crawling back.
My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall on the guitar.
I said "maybe".
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex
But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Bad news about shortbread!
They're not making it any longer.
What does DNA stand for
National Dyslexia Association.
The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial
The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going
The internet is an amazing thing.
One minute I'm at work looking up random pages, passing the time, the next minute I'm at home looking for a new job.
My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair
But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.
I asked my Mexican friend if he was upset about Trump's wall...
He said, "Eh, I'll get over it."
My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.
I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."
My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas
I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She's a 10 but it sucks because she's imaginary.
Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game
Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot
Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home
I guess he's homeless.
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here."
My girlfriend said period jokes aren't funny...
So I ended up throwing away 3 pages of jokes I had written about the Victorian era.
When my girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo
I had to put my foot down
If you can't beat them
What's the point of having children?
Argon walks into a bar.
The bartender says "we don't serve noble gases here." Argon doesn't react.
The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.
The child didn't look surprised.
When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed
My name, my address, my phone number
My girlfriend says I treat her like an object.
I don't know why it keeps saying that.
Whenever it rains my girlfriend just stands at the window looking sad.
Maybe I should let her in.
If your girlfriend starts smoking
Slow down and start using a lubricant
I have a bad habit of screaming during rectal exams.
It really makes my patients nervous.
So I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid
Guess that makes it Priustoric
For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."
I haven't worn it yet.
I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin
Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.
My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible
I didn't even know it was her birthday!
I failed my chemistry lab exam.
I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.
My girlfriend was standing nude...
in front of a mirror and she wasn't happy with what she saw. She said, "I'm fat and I am ugly I really need a compliment right now." To which I replied, "Well your eyesight is near perfect..."
A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...
Doctor: "Well I can't find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking" Mick : "I'll come back when you're sober Doctor"
I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup.
Luckily it was only a virus.
The bartender says "We don't serve time travelers in here."
A time traveler walks into a bar.
What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol?
Depends, what is yours?
Just found out I'm colorblind
it came out of the yellow.
This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife
I thought it was a great trade.
My girlfriend told me I'm her 32nd lover
Turns out what she really meant was I'm her thirty second lover
My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper
looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again
I asked a pretty homeless woman...
I asked a pretty homeless women if I could take her home, she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much...
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
[Politics] Trump: 'The less immigrants we bring in the better'
Pence: 'The fewer' Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet'
My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.
Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you." Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."
My family insists I am addicted to drinking brake fluid.
But I can stop any time I want.
So Hillary Clinton logs into her e-mail
[deleted]
Never get stuck behind the devil in a Post Office queue
For the devil can take many forms
A black man and an autistic man walk into a bar
The autistic man orders a shot, but the black man gets it instead
My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time,
But for the life of me, I can't figure out why she wants to calculate velocity
If I had a dollar for every time I had sex
I'd be a cheap prostitute
Tried changing my password to "14days"
but it was two week
Just found out I was dating a commie
Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier
My phone fell from the 20th floor,
good thing it was in airplane mode.
What are the options?
Air Hostess to passenger: "Sir would you like to have dinner?" Passenger: "What are the options?" Air Hostess: "Yes and No."
The other day I got pulled over, and when the cop walked up I pulled out my 9mm
Once he stopped laughing he wrote me up for indecent exposure
I shot a Black Man the other day
I got charged with impersonating a Police Officer.
________________________
With all the bad puns going around, I had to draw the line somewhere.
At my new job I have 500 people under me.
I mow grass at a cemetery.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up.
They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
I just read Trump's book "The Art of the Deal"
It had four Chapter 11's.
I saw an advert that read: "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."
I thought to myself, I can't turn that down.
My girlfriend threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.
It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers
I stop at nothing to avoid them.
Who ever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in trouble.
You have my Word.
Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.
But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.
I yelled "shotgun", long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat.
I hate cops.
My girlfriend got a tattoo of a shell on her thigh
Every time I lay my ear on it I can smell the sea.
My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day
So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect..
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
Hillary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected in to office.
Sorry it was supposed to say Female but the emale got deleted.
My daughter just lost her first tooth!
That'll teach her to talk back.
Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.
Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.
So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.
The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"
My password is pussy
Because most hackers don't get it
People compare Trump and hitler all the time, but there is one major difference.
Hitler was good at making speeches
My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"
I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8
Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?
My Cocaine Is So White
Police Let It Go With A Warning
Somebody told me my clothes were gay.
I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are
But I laugh more.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.
I lost my case.
I bought my friend an elephant for their room.
They said thank you. I said don't mention it.
New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer
than the men who mention it
A feminist and a Muslim walk into a bar.
comedy removed due to complaints -
My neighbors listen to awesome music
whether they like it or not.
My girlfriend says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances.
Well she's in for a shock.
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know
I broke up with my girlfriend because I like my women like I like my coffee
Without other people's dicks in it.
There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night
The police told us to stay inside until they shot him
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:
You can hide, but you can't run.
If Trump wins I'm leaving the country if Clinton wins I'm leaving the country
Not a political post, I just love to travel
9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda.
That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data.
I guess the N's justify the means.
Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home.
She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
A perfect 10, but completely imaginary.
3 mods walk into a bar
[deleted]
Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral
But not my Sister.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic
Because they are more likely to be dead.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.
Kinda like yo momma.
My girlfriend's father called me a pedophile just because she's 22 and I'm 36.
Completely ruined our 10-year anniversary.
'90s kids won't get this
Social security
My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.
So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.
But its a silly comparison really, its like comparing apples to oranges.
Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall
On the condition he gets to install windows.
A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic and it's tearing his family apart
My mother in Law fell down a wishing well, and I was amazed...
I never knew they worked.
I spilled Spot Remover on my dog.
Now he is blind and has chemical burns all over his body.
A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar.
They sit down and have a calm discussion about the differences in their beliefs.
A kangaroo walks into a bar.
It is a fairly common occurrence in Australia and normal process is carried out of evacuating the premises and calling animal control to deal with the situation.
An elephant walks into a bar.
Except not really, it couldn't fit through the door.
A woman walks into a bar.
She is pregnant and gives her baby fetal alcohol syndrome.
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc I feel like a pair of curtains!"
The doctor replied, "That's probably because you're schizophrenic."
Rocky teased Johnny by saying, "Your momma is so fat , she looks like a hippo."
What he didn't know was that Johnny's mother was suffering a terminal glandular problem combined with aggressive cancer.
You're so ugly...
When you look in the mirror it displays you're reflection because that is what mirrors do.
In Soviet Russia, joke tells YOU!
...because that is the syntax of the language.
A horse walked into a bar.
Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
Pupil: "My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were."
Mother: "Well next time remember where you put things!"
My mother in Law and I were happy for 20 years.
Then we met each other.
Teacher: "Give me three reasons why the world is round!"
Pupil: "Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so!"
The food in our school canteen is perfect.
If you are a bug!
Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed.
Women somewhat deteriorate during the night.
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector was unplugged.
Teacher: "I'm glad to see your writing has improved."
Little Johnny: "Thank you!"
Teacher: "Now I can see how bad your spelling is though!"
We try to keep him out of the kitchen.
Last time he cooked he burned the salad.
Why don't men eat between meals.
There *IS* no "between" meals.
How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Will this be on the test?
Pupil: "This egg is bad!"
Cook: "Don't blame me I only laid the table!"
Teacher: "I hope I didn't see you copying from David's work!"
Little Johnny: "I hope you didn't too!"
Always give 100 % at work:
12 % Monday.
23 % Tuesday.
40 % Wednesday.
20 % Thursday.
5 % Friday.
"What is an island?"
"A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side."
"On one side?"
"Yes, on top!"
Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
I do what I get paid to do.
Teacher: give me a sentence with the word fascinate in it
Student: I have a jacket with 10 buttons on it but I only fasten eight
What did God think after he created Adam?
"I can do better."
Then he created Eve.
What did he think then?
"Dammit, my last one was better!"
Pupil: "I thought we got a choice for dinner but there is only sausages and fries."
Dinner Lady: "That's the choice, take it or leave it!"
This is an A B conversation.
C your way out.
Teacher: "In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question."
Pupil: "How long for the answer sir!"
Pupil: "I don't like cheese with holes!"
Dinner Lady: "Well just eat the cheese and leave the holes on the side of your plate!"
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I pay your salary!
"Mommy, Mommy, I want to play with Grandpa now!"
"Keep quiet, the coffin stays closed today!"
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
A housewife accused a maid for stealing her panties.
In her defence, she said: "Madam, I don't wear panties even if you ask sir!"
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
"Mommy Mommy, Daddy fell out the window."
"Shut up, don't make me laugh, my lips are chapped."
My husband said he wanted more space.
So I locked him outside.
I always know when it's the mother in Law knocking at the door.
The mice throw themselves in the traps.
Pupil: "I don't think I deserved the 0 % you gave me for that test."
Teacher: "Neither do I but its the lowest I could give!"
A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.
Police are looking into it.
Pupil: "There is a dead fly in my dinner"
Cook: "Oh dear, I wonder if it died after tasting it!"
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
Who cares?
Chuck Norris doesn't check his closet for the bogeyman.
The bogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Our local drug store is selling tampons with bells on.
But just for the Christmas period.
"Why does your geography exam have a big zero over it."
"It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead!"
I asked my wife: "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said: "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her: "How about the kitchen?"
What is dogshit
Kyle Bosman
Most people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Yo momma is so old.
She sat behind jesus in the third grade.
By three measures a manager is known:
1) The thickness of the carpet in his office.
2) The area of his desk.
3) The volume of his car's engine.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Some motherly advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
My friend thinks he's smart, he said onions are the only food that make you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
Father: "How did you do in your tests?"
Son: "I did what George Washington did!"
Father: "What was that?"
Son: "Went down in history!"
A man walks into a pole, Ouch,
A woman walks into a pole, she doesn't get a tip.
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!
100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.
A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!
After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
What should you never say to a police officer?
"Hey, did you ever notice the word 'lice' is in the word police?"
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
My mother in Law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.
She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.
Two blondes walk into a building.
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it!
Mum: "From now on your going to have free school dinners."
Son: "But, Mum, I don't want three school dinners, one is more than enough!"
43rd Law of Computing:
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation - Core dumped
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Teacher: "Please don't whistle while studying."
Student: "Oh, but I'm not studying - just whistling!"
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds.
What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I should take her somewhere expensive.
I took her to a petrol station!
The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.
How did the police know princess dianna had dandruff
They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment
10 HOME
20 SWEET
30 GOTO 10
Adam and Eve were the happiest and luckiest couple in the world.
Neither of them had a mother in Law!
Little Monster: "I hate my teacher."
Mother Monster: "Well, then just eat your salad, dear!"
Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."
Managers are like squirrels.
They are rats with good PR, and if you have more than one or two they become a nuisance.
Teacher: "What is a comet?"
Pupil: "A star with a tail!"
Teacher: "Can you name one?"
Pupil: "Lassie!"
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
They said that when a black man becomes president, pigs will fly.
Exactly 100 days after Barack Obama became president swine flu.
Mike Tyson has agreed to fight Prince Charles for his next boxing match.
It seems that no one else has big enough ears to go 12 rounds.
Father: "You've got 4 D's and a C on your report."
Son: "Maybe I concentrated too much on the one subject!"
Son: "I can't go to school today."
Father: "Why not?"
Son: "I don't feel well."
Teacher: "Where don't you feel well?"
Son: "In school!"
"Do you know why Mickey Mouse bought a telescope?"
"No, why?"
"Because he wanted to see Pluto!"
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
To!
To who?
To whom.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Chuck Norris does not sleep.
He waits.
One time Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 47 people.
Then the grenade exploded.
It is better to have loved and lost..
Than to have fallen, bleeding, into shark-infested waters.
God wanted to create the world in 10 days...
Chuck Norris gave him 6.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies...
Check the extinct species list.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard.
There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer.
Too bad he has never cried.
So a man walks into a bar with a monkey...
I forget the rest, but your mother is a whore.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
When Chuck Norris doesn't give you the finger.
He tells you how many seconds you have left to live.
It may not be "politically correct" to say this.
But there are over one million U.S Senators.
So the human cannonball decided to quit his job at the circus...
The ringmaster said "Please, no you can't! We'll never be able to find another man of your caliber!"
I used to have an imaginary girlfriend but she left me for my best friend.
Apparently he had a bigger imagination.
My girlfriend likes golden meteor showers
(I have kidney stones)
What's 9 inches long,pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth
Her miscarriage
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
A world renowned chef undercooked the meat
It was a rare misteak
The good news is my black girlfriend says I have mean dick
The bad news is she's a mathematician.
I didn't want to believe my father was stealing from the transportation department.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I have information that will lead to Hillary Clinton's arrest.
[deleted]
Guy goes to the doctor and says, " I cnat siht!"
The doctor says, "Clearly, you are having problems with vowel movements."
It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling.
They had a great time, he would have loved it
My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I "ruined" her birthday.
I'm not sure how that's possible, I didn't even know it was her birthday.
A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money.
It was a strobbery.
I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back
Apparently, that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
Donald Trump is not a rapist.
He's an "alternative romantic."
America is going to suffer if Donald Trump becomes president.
You could say they are going toupee for it.
If Trump replaces Obama as president,
Orange will be the new Black.
Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion
Probably because Mexico has more aliens
Teacher: "What can we do to stop water pollution?"
Little Johnny: "Stop taking baths?"