My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"

"No it doesn't", I said.

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife.

Thank you, Mom!

When I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas she told me, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace."

So I bought her nothing.

I wrote a book on penguins...

In hindsight, paper would have been much easier.

One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world...

...then you'll all be sorry!

Batman told me he was skipping church this week.

Classic Christian Bale.

A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day.

He discovered he was a tad Polish.

I went to Chinatown today, but there were too many bright lights.

So I asked them to dim sum.

My wife said she's had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up.

So I just packed my bags and right.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

One turns to the other and says, "Um, I think we got this joke wrong."

Friends are like snow.

When you pee on them, they disappear.

After a long and distinguished career, my French teacher finally retired.

Adios, amigo.

My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight.

She needs to lighten up.

You can tell Monopoly is an old game...

...because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks...

Bad Minton.

With the rise of self driving vehicles...

we shall soon hear a country song about a guy's truck leaving him too.

God damned millennials!

Walking around like they rent the place.

I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day sucks.

A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar.

He sits down and drinks coffee.

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, just remember...

There is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

I have two boys, 5 and 6.

We're no good at naming things in our house.

Communists and Trump supporters really aren't all that different...

They both want a world with no class.

Donald Trump walks into a bar.

And promptly lowers it.

I was at the local pool yesterday and decided to pee in the deep end.

The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.

Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!

Yes sir, it's fresh ground!

I've just been fired from the clock making factory...

after all those extra hours I put in.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure"...

...is one way to tell your kid that they're adopted.

I am afraid to make a political joke now.

It might get elected president.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

It must be tough having the world's best clown as your dad.

You would have such big shoes to fill.

I finally figured out Donald Trump

You have to ruin America first if you want to make it great AGAIN.

If I had a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on...

I'd be like, "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

Never make fun of fat girls with lisps.

They're thick and tired of it.

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it...

It's still fowl language.

I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.

He just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

People say filling animals with helium is wrong.

But I say, whatever floats your goat.

A solar panel is talking to a wind turbine and asks, "So what do you think about this whole renewable energy thing?"

The turbine replies, "I'm a big fan."

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

If life gives you melons...

You probably have dyslexia.

Today is International Women's Day.

It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

I was in a taxi today and the driver said "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."

Then I said, "Turn left."

I want to say comforters are superior to quilts.

But I don't like to make blanket statements.

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working.

I just have to die on Thursday.

My friend David had his ID stolen.

Now he's just Dav.

I was asked to write a 1,000 word essay for class.

But I just turned in a picture instead.

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.

Baby, I hope you are an ISO file.

Cuz I wanna mount you.

When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump, some questioned whether he could actually speak English.

It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.

I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny.

It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.

I met an Asian girl today with the last name of "China."

It was her made-in name.

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm today

The loud beeping was giving me a headache.

I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

I recently started the new Brexit diet.

So far I've lost hundreds of millions of pounds.

I read an article that said it's good for your eyesight to look at something distant occasionally during computer use.

So I put a picture of my dad next to the monitor.

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet."

It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!

Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

God couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Girls are like domain names.

The ones I like are already taken.

I started carrying a gun after being involved in an attempted robbery a few months ago.

Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.

I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl.

they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are, too.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.

I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.

A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets!

He was arrested for attempted murder.

I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

My dads answer to everything was alcohol.

He wasn't a big drinker, he was just shit at crosswords.

I'm halfway towards my goal of becoming filthy rich.

Now I just have to have to figure out the rich part.

Two foot fetishists are sitting in the back of a police van.

One turns to the other says: "I think we got off on the wrong foot."

My girlfriend asked me why I was sitting with the eggs...

I couldn't find my whisk, and if you can't beat them, you might as well join them...

The inventor of autocorrect died today.

His funfair will be hello on sundial.

We should've known communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

You can't run through a camp site.

You can only ran, because its past tents.

A bad workman blames his fools.

*edit: tools. Stupid keyboard.

I drove my daughter's hamster to the vet this morning.

I'm getting rather good at golf.

If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes, she will.

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it!

Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition...

... and discovered that he had seriously misunderstood the objective

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person.

Today I lost my job as a bus driver.

Help! I'm stuck on Rick Astley's roof!

He took away the ladder and said he is never gonna let me down.

Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying.

I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

Alligators can live up to 100 years...

Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes...

I still do, but I used to, too.

Why is the letter "C" afraid of the rest of the alphabet?

Because all the other letters are Not-Cs

Telling someone that you work in IT support can be such a turn off...

And then a turn on again.

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad dies at 91.

His funeral has been postponed until his family get the screw that wasn't included with his KoFFIN product

My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan.

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman.

But she kept screaming, "Get the fuck out of here I'm peeing!"

Donald Trump is introducing a 30% tax on shredded cheese.

It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.

‪If I were to be stranded on an island with anyone I would prefer to be stranded with a vegan...

Mostly because it's healthier to eat grass-fed meat. ‬

I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.

It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.

I met a North African girl the other night, and we spoke for hours.

We just clicked.

I finally stopped drinking for good.

Now I drink for evil.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

There are three rings in a relationship.

The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring.

I told the ambulance guys the wrong blood type for my ex.

Now she'll understand what rejection feels like.

When I see lover's names carved in a tree I don't think it's sweet.

I'm just surprised of how many people bring knives on a date.

My wife accused me of being immature...

So I told her to get out of my fort.

And the award for the best neckwear goes to...

Well, would you look at that, it's a tie!

I don't always tell dad jokes...

But when I do, he laughs.

Words can't describe how beautiful you are...

But numbers can: 2/10

I bought a dog from a blacksmith.

As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

They say never go food shopping when you're hungry..

but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.

Dramatic pauses can really change the meaning of a sentence.

Notice the difference between "I like to eat apples" and "I like to eat dramatic pauses."

My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.

What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.

A dyslexic walks into a bank and yells, "Hands in the air motherfuckers! This is a stick up!"

He's just dyslexic and can still speak fine.

Shot my first turkey today.

Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen foods section.

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make...

Then they don't call me at all.

I accidentally gave my wife superglue instead of Chapstick

She's still not talking to me.

My wife is talking about wanting to have children.

I don't think I am ready for her to be a single mom.

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground. Being the only adult around, I had to step in.

They didn't stand a chance.

Confucius say man who drops watch in toilet...

...has shitty time

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one...

...he's never gonna give you Up.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.

He said he couldn't complain.

My son is sort of like Rapunzel...

But instead of letting his hair down he lets everybody down.

Thank you student loans for helping me get through college...

I don't think I can ever repay you.

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...

I would have one dollar. Thanks, mom...

People always tell me I'm funny.

And I always have to remind them I'm Dad.

My wife and I decided to not have children.

The kids are pretty upset.

There are two types of people on the planet...

Those who can extrapolate information based upon the given context...

I don't mean to make sweeping generalizations...

...but all brooms are pretty much the same.

I am so good at sleeping...

...I can do it with my eyes closed.

Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.

They both had a great time.

Somebody stole my mood ring.

I don't know how I feel about that.

That's a nice ham you've got there...

it'd be a shame if somebody put an 's' at the front and an 'e' at the end.

You should never iron a four leaf clover.

You don't want to press your luck.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing.

The car is new or the wife is.

As a college student, I hate it when homeless shake their cups with change in them.

I know you have more money than me, stop showing off.

Statistics say that 1/3 of people cheat in their relationships.

So, who's the cheater? My wife or my girlfriend?

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was seated next to a crying baby.

Apparently that's not allowed if it's yours.

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use twice a year

My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex.

So I dumped her.

Some say Steve Jobs died too young.

Others say it was simply an homage to Apple's attitude towards battery life.

My wife yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation!"

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you...

...I'd start thinking about you.

My wife said that our son feels neglected.

"Who?" I asked.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet...

I don't know why.

People say I'm not good with Greek Mythology...

I guess that it's my Achilles wrist.

I accidentally sent everyone in my address book a naked picture of myself

It cost a fortune in stamps

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but I had to break up with her.

She was seeing somebody on the side.

Who is this Rorschach guy?

And why did he draw so many pictures of my parents fighting?

There are many advantages of visiting Switzerland

I mean, the flag itself is a big plus.

I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend but she keeps calling me.

Looks like I'll have to drop the bomb twice.

I saw a chameleon today...

Needless to say, it was a shitty chameleon.

I ate a contradiction the other day...

...it constipated the shit out of me.

I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

I haven't worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of my bed and did a sit-up by mistake.

That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.

I just ran over my dog.

Just kidding! I don't know whose dog it was.

I like my women like I like my coffee.

I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.

I saw a sign the other day the made me pee my pants...

...it said "Bathroom Closed."

I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle...

...he said it was the most violent thing he ever read.

A tip to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right and then to the left.

Repeat this exercise whenever you're offered something to eat!

I gave away all my dead batteries recently...

...free of charge, of course.

My friend owned a racing snail. It never won any races so he removed the shell to make it go faster.

Sadly it didn't work, if anything it made it more sluggish.

This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from Vegetarian Club.

I was a bit confused, seeing how I'd never met herbivore.

Ebay is too hard to use...

...I searched for lighters, and all I got was 71,274 matches.

Some people say I'm condescending.

That means I talk down to people.

If your mother in Law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...

...would you go to lunch or a movie?

I'd say 6:30 is the best time on a clock.

Hands down.

I used to have a job crushing cans.

It was soda pressing.

Is it just me...

...or are there other personal pronouns?

I recently tried to change my email password to "Twilight"...

...but got an error message that read, "Password Invalid. Too many useless characters."

There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk.

Up.

I've been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.

He still won't tell me who's a good boy.

To whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you.

You have my Word.

I took my wife's family out for biscuits and tea.

They weren't very happy about having to donate blood though.

I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

I was involved in a violent mugging this morning, and I'm still a bit shaken up.

On the plus side I did make $43, and I think the watch looks really good on me.

I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it.

The plot thickens.

For my birthday, I got gifted a sticky deck of cards.

I'm having a hard time dealing with it.

I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym.

I guess we just weren't working out.

My mother used to always say, "Give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

North Korea is participating in the Olympics this year, but they won't win.

All of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in South Korea

Shout-out to my grandma!

Because that's the only way she can hear me.

I walked down a street, and the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

It was a trip down memory lane.

What do Donald Trump and his father have in common?

They both have shitty judgment when it comes to pulling out.

You think you are introverted?

Wait until you never meet me.

Today I was asked to go out by 10 girls.

Pretty easy in the women's bathroom.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.

I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!

Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, "Do you have any felony convictions?"

The Briton replies, "Sorry. I didn't realize that was still a requirement."

I'm going to open up a store that only sells two bed covers and two snorkels.

Just four sheets and goggles.

I'm seriously contemplating remarrying my Ex-wife.

But I'm pretty sure that she'll figure out I'm just after my money.

So if Mary had Jesus, and Jesus was the Lamb of God...

Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

I just found out I'm colorblind

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Somebody said today that I'm lazy.

I nearly answered him.

I already got a date this Valentine's day. Her name is Emma,

Emma Gination.

What is it with people who text and drive?

I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.

Everyone pees in the pool.

But you do it once from the high dive and you're some sort of monster.

I got fired form the zoo.

Apparently the sign "Don't feed the animals" was only meant for the visitors.

Me: Mom, am I adopted?

Mom: Why would we choose you?

I once came home to find 4 masked men beating up my younger brother. Obviously I rushed over to help out.

The little shit didn't stand a chance against all 5 of us.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My mother in law has a massive case of diarrhea.

But she won't find out until she gets home and unpacks her luggage.

I invented a new word today.

Plagiarism.

The urge to sing the song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is only ever a whim away...

A WHIM AWAY, A WHIM AWAY, A WHIM AWAY...

My parents treat me like a god.

They don't believe in me.

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

As a woman it's annoying when men think they are better drivers

When I'm trying to park I don't need you to offer help every 20 minutes

I hate it when people mix up Your and You're.

Their so stupid.

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many'...

and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

Climate change is such a joke.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present

They're due back at the library today.

I just found my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It's his altar ego.

My doctor recommended to eating Burger King more often.

Well he said I should not have McDonald's anymore, but I know what he meant.

A man entered his home and was absolutely delighted.

Someone had stolen every lamp in his home.

My boss said my math skills are average.

That's just mean.

A man walks into a bar...

And is immediately disqualified from the Limbo World Championships.

Last night I watched a documentary on how they put ships together...

It was riveting!

I like my women like I like my coffee.

From a third world country and at a reasonable price.

I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex.

He's a small arms dealer.

My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side.

So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no fucking reason.

I had a fish that could breakdance on the floor for 20 seconds.

But only one time.

I have super powers, I just melted an ice cube by staring at it.

Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

English is not the easiest of languages.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they're standing.

Communism jokes are not funny.

Unless everyone gets them.

Sauron is a great name.

It has a nice ring to it.

There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

Only a fraction of people understand that joke.

!false

It's funny because it's true.

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house.

It was delicious.

My secretary reminds me of my wife.

I was unbuttoning her blouse at lunch today when she said, "Remember, you have a wife."

My wife didn't believe me when I said I'd made a car from spaghetti.

Should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

My friend is panicking because he is missing a piece for his 10,000 piece puzzle

if he thinks that bad, I'm missing 9,999 pieces

TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than Mount Everest.

Kinda obvious, considering Mount Everest can't fly.

My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to her.

Did you know that animals make a different sounds depending what part of the world you are in?

For example, in China, Dogs makes a sizzling sound!

When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."

"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

"Oh my God! How many is a Brazilian?"

There are two types of people in the world:

Those who complete their sentences.

My psychologist told me, "Write letters to the people you hate and then burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

As a kid I had to walk the plank...

We couldn't afford a dog.

The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

Yesterday a clown held the door open for me.

I thought it was a nice jester.

Dammmn girl, are you a smoke detector?

Cause you're annoying and won't shut the fuck up.

I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have some company.

My girlfriend and I were fighting in the car

We glared at each other and I thought neither of us would back down, but in the end we struck an Accord.

Someone had the audacity to delete every version of Microsoft Office from my computer.

I have no Words.

My girlfriend broke the news that she's pregnant

I responded, "Congrats, now you have something to remember me by."

My girlfriend and I spent $40 on a pesto pasta

It was worth every penne.

I just read that 25% of women in the United States take medication for mental illness...

That's scary! Why do we let 75% of them run around untreated??

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley

Thanks to months of therapy, I'm finally battling my Damons.

two bears walk into a bar

no one survived.

I took my new dog outside to go to the bathroom but he didn't like my yard

I told him, "I know it's not the best, but you'll have to make doo."

An old lady next to me on the airplane was scared by me being a muslim

I laughed so hard my grenades almost fell out of my pocket.

People say cannibals are disgusting human beings

But this one tastes pretty good

I have a really good relationship with the elevator operator.

We speak to each other on so many different levels.

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well actually he said "less McDonald's" but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant

We've had a horrible winter this year.

It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.

I have the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the local zoo

My ex had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil

I still don't know how much she charged him though.

Thinking about opening up a sperm bank in New Jersey.

Gonna call it: "Get a load of this guy over here!".

I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire.

it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy. it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."

Trump would be an amazing dentist

He is against anything that's not white and straight.

I always thought Americans should say "B".

Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".

my great grandmother got me a ps4 for Christmas

my so-so grandmother got me socks

This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom.

He said it was the best trade he's ever made

My girlfriend of 3 years has never told me a joke.

We are in a serious relationship.

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...

To reverse and leaving the scene.

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted

My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Anybody know what "ternative" means?

What's the most effective birth control device for men.

Their manners.

Grammar is important.

Capital letters are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Teacher: "I wished you would pay a little attention!"

Pupil: "I'm paying as little as I can!"

If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive...

...they would start to find me attractive.

My dad always tells me he never makes the same mistake twice...

...I'm an only child.

The light was so bad at a Chinese restaurant I couldn't read the total on the bill.

It was a dim sum.

I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books.

He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

I like Peter Pan jokes because they never get old.

Just like those kids in my basement.

I met a dyslexic woman at a bar last night.

I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.

England doesn't have a kidney bank...

But it does have a Liverpool.

Dads are like boomerangs...

I hope.

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

Every program I write is completely error-free.

No exceptions!

I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe.

I don't care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe.

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married.

I told him to leave me alone, and then when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

My father suffers from short term memory loss.

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it.

I've said it before, I'll say it again.

It.

I was surprised to learn my daughter failed the road driving test.

She tweeted three times that it seemed to be going well.

A wife is like a hand grenade.

You take away the ring, and there goes your house.

My wife turned and looked at me screaming, "Did you hear what I just said?!"

Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?

Last night I found out that my wife has conditional gender dysphoria.

She said she needed to be Frank with me.

My wife said "You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot..."

It was a third degree burn.

I'm going to go on a Brexit diet

The pounds will drop fast.

It's hard to say what my wife does for a living.

She sells seashells on the seashore.

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.

My mates reckon that I'll find any excuse to have a drink.

Speaking of beer...

I am giving up drinking for a month.

Sorry that came out wrong.

I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

I like my tumors like I like my bingo numbers.

B9!

19 and 20 got in a fight.

21.

UK: We call it "Autumn", from the French word "Automne", and later, from the Latin "autumnus".

US: WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAVES FALL DOWN

I get nostalgic when driving my car in reverse.

It always takes me back.

My paper airplane won't fly.

It's stationery.

An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen.

Police are confident they can recover both of the stolen machines.

I was just explaining Google to my Granny.

"Pick anything to search for," I told her.

"What about a nice cream pie?" she asked.

"Except that." I replied.

I'm 12 feet taller than my grandparents.

I'm 6 feet tall and they're 6 feet under.

I went to a really emotional wedding the other day...

Even the cake was in tiers.

If you ever feel lonely, just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies.

After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

Smoking is a scientific wonder!

It kills people, but cures salmon.

I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.

Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.

I want to repaint my room a shade of white.

But I can't decide between "eggshell", "beige", or "The Oscars".

I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.

Just 30 pounds to go.

Today I learned the U.S is #18 in Mathematics worldwide.

At least we're in the top 10.

My grandfather destroyed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

How long is a Chinese person.

So is his brother.

My son asked me, "Dad, what is coincidence?"

I said, "Weird. I was about to ask you the same thing."

People say I don't have friends, but they're wrong.

I have all 10 seasons on DVD.

I like my women like I like my coffee

I've never had coffee but it smells really nice..

If you're want to dress slutty for Halloween, go as a professor.

They barely cover anything important.

I have an irrational fear of large intricate corporate buildings.

You could say I have a complex complex complex.

I'm sure wherever my dad is he's looking down on us.

He's not dead, just very condescending.

I have a girlfriend...

I'm not sure if this is really a joke, but everyone laughs when I say it.

My friend was fired from his lumberjack job after failing to cut down a tree 8 times.

He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.

Only 1300's kids will get this.

The Black Plague

I invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it gets to within 4 inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

My wife's cooking is incredible.

With a silent 'cr'.

Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters!

This month, lunch is on me.

At will call for a concert, I start a conversation with the lady in front of me.

It was the first time I had used a pick up line to talk to a woman.

I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts.

Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you'd think.

I just ran into my barber on the street. He asked me how I liked the haircut he gave me last week.

I told him it's growing on me.

My girlfriend just accused me of being a cross-dresser.

I was absolutely furious, so I packed her things and left.

If only Steve Irwin wore sun screen.

He could have been protected from harmful rays.

I once dated a girl that collected magazines.

But she had too many issues.

When my girlfriend complains about how bad her day was I like to hold her hands.

Because she's deaf.

My boss told me to "dress for the job you want, not the job you have."

Now I'm in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

The English football team visited an orphanage in Brazil.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose age 6.

Some nights I just lie down and stare up at the stars and I wonder...

What happened to my roof?

I went for my interview to be a bus driver.

I said, "Sorry I'm late."

They said, "You're hired"

Ramadan really puts the slim in Muslim.

There are two important rules in business.

Number 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

I don't understand all the fuss about using 3D printers to make guns.

I've had a Canon printer for years!

If you heat your solid state drive into a gaseous state drive, do you get cloud storage?

To celebrate Star Wars we baked some "Wookiee Cookies".

They were a little on the Chewy side.

Someone stole all the toilets from the local police station

Detectives have nothing to go on.

I'd tell you a good time travel joke

But you didn't get it.

I used to earn a living doing backing vocals.

I can still remember the words, "This vehicle is reversing."

I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.

He cried. Then he hugged my sister and me.

I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.

Simply turn off the WiFi router and wait where it's located.

Baby monitors are magical.

When I turn it off my baby stops crying.

If trees produced WIDI we plant them everywhere.

Too bad they only produce oxygen.

There's this hot girl in my college writing class.

Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.

Some people say I am crazy.

Luckily, only I can hear them.

There are two things that always make me jump.

My legs.

A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says, "five beers, please."

If I had a penny for every time someone didn't understand me

I'd make more cents.

My physics teacher told me I had potential.

Then he threw me off the roof.

My son just got a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club, and a diamond, all without my permission.

I guess I'll deal with him later.

Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.

"A lemon tree, my dear Watson".

I bought an answering machine today but I think it's broken.

I've asked it loads of questions but nothing's happening.

I've decided to take the day off today.

Now I just call it 'To'.

Just like his father, Kim Jong-Un takes a binocular wherever he goes.

For proper gander purposes.

My neighbor came knocking on my door at 2:30 am. Unbelievable!

Luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes.

My girlfriend's cellphone service sucks!

Eight days ago when she said, "We're breaking up," the call ended, and it's gone straight to voicemail ever since.

At last, a herb related joke.

It's about thyme.

I was going to write a joke about feminism...

But my husband wouldn't let me.

"Mom, am I ugly?"

"I told you not to call me mom in front of people."

I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food.

I have any idea where sandwiches live.

A man is washing his car with his son.

After a while the boy says to his Father "Dad, why can't we just use a sponge?"

Just burned 2,000 calories.

That's the last time I leave cookies in the oven while I nap.

Don't you just hate it when med students call themselves doctors?

I mean you don't see engineering students calling themselves engineers or arts students calling themselves baristas.

My Chinese friend refuses to believe that our friend Ty is now the state boxing champion.

The Chinese don't want to recognize Ty won.

I'm reading a horror book written in braille.

Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.

Vending machines kill more people every year than sharks

I mean, how's a vending machine going to kill a shark?

The origami boxing match was on the other night.

Shame, though, as it was only on paper-view.

My friend met his wife on tinder...

... six months after their wedding

An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Ebay.

It was secondhand.

If two pharaohs farted at the same time.

They would have a toot in common.

Purple is my favorite color!

I like it more than blue and red combined.

I recently sold my vacuum.

It was just collecting dust.

I used to own a nocturnal horse.

She was a nightmare.

I dreamt I was making a salad.

I was tossing all night.

I hate it when people make fun of the disabled.

They can't even stand up for themselves.

If you're at the Apple Store when it gets robbed...

You're an iWitness.

Being the first to move in chess...

Is white privilege.

So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.

The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later.

"Sir, we have good news and bad news."

I have a job as a gym instructor.

But it isn't working out.

When I used to be a wrestler, I would get a guy in a head lock and write my name on their forehead.

It was my signature move.

My Doctor gave me something to treat my hemorrhoids.

But I'm not so sure they deserve a treat.

My doctor told me that I needed to watch my drinking.

So I drink in front of a mirror now.

Two years ago I asked my dream girl on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no on both occasions.

The invisible man married the invisible woman.

Their kids were nothing to look at.

I've just had a ploughman's lunch.

He wasn't very happy about it.

My house cleaner is getting really annoying.

She keeps asking me to move out and says she wants a divorce.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

It was a good orgy, all in all.

The label on my biscuits said, "Store in a cool place"

So I mailed them to Samuel L Jackson's house.

As a masochist I enjoy getting up at 3AM and having a cold shower.

So I don't.

I'm going to buy some velcro for my shoes instead of laces.

Why knot?

Had a massage today, but I didn't like it.

They rubbed me the wrong way.

I call my wife treasure.

Cause she looks like she's just been dug up.

I always wanted to be a doctor.

But I never had the patience.

I met my wife on the net.

We were terrible trapeze artists.

My grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war.

He never talked about it though.

A girl I fancy just phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home."

I went over. Nobody was home.

I fought a guy on some moving stairs today.

We started arguing at the bottom and things just escalated from there!

My doctor said my constant diarrhea was a problem caused by genetics.

It runs in my genes.

Donald Trump has done so much good for American education.

Now instead of citing my sources on an English paper, I can just write down, "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it."

President Trump! What about the aliens from space?

We need a ROOF!

My crazy ex-wife divorced me because I was bad at directions.

She said I didn't notice when we both went south.

A programmer had a problem, so he decided to use Java.

He now has a ProblemFactory.

Girls are a lot like butter.

It's easy to get them to spread with a knife.

I started a diet two weeks ago.

So far I've lost 14 days.

Welcome to plastic surgery anonymous.

I'm seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I'm really disappointed.

Mathematics is 90% common sense.

The other half is intelligence.

I haven't slept for three days.

Because that would be too long.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

I gave up alcohol last year.

It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.

My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her.

It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.

I got married to an antenna.

The wedding was ok, but the reception was awesome!

If you don't have friends, just tell a woman that you love her, and she'll tell you you're just friends.

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife last night didn't go well.

Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese!

My local theatre is showing a play called 'The Dictionary.'

It's a play on words.

I arranged a pessimists meeting today, but it wasn't a great turn out.

The room was half empty.

My hands got into an argument last night.

One was right and the other left.

I'd like to move to the fifth most populated city in France.

I've heard it's nice.

My friend said his dog could retrieve a stick from 5 miles away.

That just seems a little far-fetched to me.

I love the way the Earth rotates...

It makes my day.

There are three blondes on an island.

A genie says they can only have one wish to get themselves off.

The first says, "I wish I was smart." So she turns into a red head and swims off the island.

The second says, "I wish I was smarter than her." So she turns into a brunette and swims away.

The third one says, "I wish I was smarter than both of them." so she turns into a man and walks on the bridge.

A doctor walks into his office and informs the patient, "Good news: you passed your hearing test!"

The patient responds, "HUH?"

A Sheep, a Drum, and a Snake fall off a cliff.

Baa-Dumm-Tsss.

My grandfather was a baker in the army.

He went in all buns glazing.

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She throws the flag for penalties the team committed 5 years ago.

A thief broke into my house last night.

He started searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.

TIL the host of Dirty Jobs is now a college professor who teaches students about money management and how spending affects the world around them.

The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.

I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.

He was dead Sirius.

If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what should you bring?

Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.

When I was little, my dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it.

I didn't really. He was just putting words in my mouth.

I got fired from my job at the pasta factory.

After a fusilli mistakes.

If you ever meet a girl named stone...

Don't take her for granite.

A man walks into a bar.

He is an alcoholic and is destroying his family.

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

In your mom's bedroom in the morning.

My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C

Don't worry though, he's 0K.

I used to be scared of pretty girls,

So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

You can tell a lot about a person...

Just by not keeping their secrets.

A new type of broom has just been released.

And it is sweeping the nation.

My friend asked me if I could name two different structures that hold water.

I said, "Well, dam..."

If women can do anything men can do...

How come they haven't oppressed an entire gender?

Fox News has determined the cause of the recent plane crash.

It was the left wing.

Hindus and vegans must be great friends.

They never have beef.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat.

Then I remember they just feed off attention.

I have a vegan girlfriend and she's nice and all.

But sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of beet.

Vegans who drink water disgust me.

That's a fish's house you filthy Savage.

My wife thinks my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control.

I wonder how much money the government paid her to say that?

I like my puns like I like my sausages.

The wurst are the best.

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.

You're too tents.

I gotta hand it to Stephen Hawking

because he can't catch.

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree.

He's wanted dead and alive.

I was once a man stuck in a woman's body.

Then my mother gave birth.

I can't understand my parents.

I am 35 years old and they're still living with me.

A human fart can be louder than a trombone.

I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.

My dyslexic friend likes that my name is Nate.

He thinks it's neat.

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

I responded, "Lazy."

I can sympathize with batteries.

I never get included in anything either.

Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.

There were a lot of casual tees.

Michelle Obama gave a great speech last night.

I can't wait to hear it again at the next Republican National Convention.